tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6595620786397577342024-03-13T07:50:47.426-04:00Thinking TimeDisclaimer: This is more of a journal and less of a blog. Maybe it can help me. There's some stuff in here that might make you think differently about me, but think before you judge. I could care less who reads it, but don't come to me and tell me that it's not a true blog.
I'm aware, thanks.The Dainty Onehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245735262835712362noreply@blogger.comBlogger42125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-659562078639757734.post-74171135262093336402014-04-20T12:36:00.002-04:002014-05-23T15:17:32.365-04:00FeelingsHere I sit, having almost completed my first year of grad school. It's been really difficult, and I feel pretty miserable. I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing and that I'm not really moving forward. I feel like thus far this process has been a waste of my time as well as others'. I feel like nothing beneficial is going to come out of it. I feel unsure of my abilities as a student and as a person in order to be successful.<br />
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I feel extremely worried that my long-term, long-distance relationship is going to be stagnant or break. I feel worried that I'm going to lose the love of my life because I question his faith, and while I'm trying to understand and learn, I feel like I'm never going to be at the point at which he needs me to be.<br />
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I feel insensitive, for some of the thoughts that go through my head. I feel horrible, knowing that my problems are minimal compared to many others' in the world, but still feeling the way I do. I feel like I'm not going to get anywhere in life and that I don't deserve to have happiness a family of my own. I feel unhappy and desperate and tired. I feel bad and alone.<br />
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2The Dainty Onehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245735262835712362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-659562078639757734.post-19115306971353244802013-08-17T22:52:00.002-04:002013-08-17T22:52:48.187-04:00A New PhaseAnd so begins a new phase. I've graduated and am not on my own getting ready to start grad school. Without any friends or familiarity for comfort. I've been on my own for a day and a half and I'm already lonely.<br />
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<a href="http://ipad.wallpaperswiki.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Walking-Alone-High-Quality-.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://ipad.wallpaperswiki.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Walking-Alone-High-Quality-.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I have resources. I have people to call, people to text, people to email. But starting fresh at this point is not something I'm ready for. There is a pit in my stomach that feels as if it won't ever leave. I feel sick in a foreign place that familiar people have had their hands on but are no longer nearby. I am not a car ride away, but an expensive plan ticket with at least one layover away. I'm a time zone away.<br />
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It's easy to comment "But it's only temporary, what's the big deal?"<br />
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It doesn't feel temporary. I've changed my mailing address and expect to be here for a minimum of two years. And now, I don't know if I want to be. Sure, grad school is an investment in my future and can potentially provide me with more possibilities, but it also infers a cost. I'm away from my family and significant other when I don't <i>have</i> to be.<br />
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Hearing (or seeing?) my qualms makes me feel like I'm petty and ungrateful, but I'd like to think that I'm neither of those things. I <i>feel</i> horrible and want to be with those that I'm happiest with.<br />
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4The Dainty Onehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245735262835712362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-659562078639757734.post-85520318426128390232012-10-10T19:00:00.005-04:002012-10-10T19:00:41.758-04:00Gender And GeographyThis is a paper that I wrote for one of my classes recently regarding gender, race, and space.<br />
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<br />I became more interested in exploring the ideas behind the
Twine article because I feel that the points that are made are very accurate. Why? </div>
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<br /></div>
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If you look at a picture of my immediate family
taken in the early 1990s, you'll see me as the baby in someone's lap, and my sister as a toddler. I think this picture is essential for putting
my own story in context. The first thing
that most people ask me when I show them a picture of my sister is, “Do you
both have the same parents?” It is hard
for me to imagine what kind of identity struggles my sister has had growing up,
since she has more White features than I do, including red streaks in her hair
from our Irish ancestors, as well as being extremely prone to sunburns. What’s even more interesting is that her very
light skin, or this racial barrier, if you will, has not acted as a restricting
factor to some of her life choices. In
fact, it was she who went to an HBCU for two years of school and me that came
to a Predominantly White Institution (PWI). She finds men of most races
attractive. She has a style different
from what most would identify as Black or White, and she has no real accent.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Even with
all of that said, I think that if you asked each of us now what race we
identify with as individuals, she would say White and I would say Black. Our answers would likely be different because
each of us has had different moments in our lives where people have treated us
different because of our apparent race.
As Twine says, we “had not been conscious of being culturally different
from” each other when we were young. It
took both of us awhile to realize that people would treat us differently, even
right in front of each other. Part of
this was that we lived in Carson City, NV for a period of time and the Black
population there is approximately 1%. It
is probably for this reason that I was called by some of my friends “the
whitest Black girl they knew”, and I took no offense to what they said because
I agreed. My sister and I spoke, acted,
and behaved “White” because that is the social manner that we were taught in
grade school in Carson City. However,
some of my African American friends walked, talked, and behaved “Black” because
that is the culture they were raised in.
There was one time that I walked into a store with my boyfriend who is
Black and from Philadelphia, and I reached into my purse to grab my chapstick
but he stopped me. He had learned at a
very young age not to reach into pockets in places like stores because people
would accuse him of stealing. I had
never heard of anything like this, although it made perfect sense to me. This, I think, is a prime example of
differences in Black and White behavior.
All of these things support Twine’s argument that “white cultural
identity begins in childhood…” although, of course I am sure there are
exceptions in several instances.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Something
we hit on as a class is that Twine does not acknowledge the possibility of the
presence of grey area. I know that I
generally speak to Black and White people slightly differently, depending on
the situation. In essence I will say the
same thing to both parties, but just in different ways. What is extremely interesting to me is that
it is almost a subconscious change in language.
My learned way of speaking was constructed in a majority White
environment, but when I am interacting with my Black peers I use language and
slang that I’ve gathered from prior interactions with them or others in the
Black community. Perhaps it is because I
want to fit in, or I just want to make people hear what I’m saying (and I do
not know the answer to that), but I make these changes in language nearly every
time I interact with someone, without fail.
It’s clear that I struggle with my own identity in some ways!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Another sub-concept that we touched
on but did not delve into surrounding the Twine article was what men are
stereotypically attracted to what women in reference to race and vice versa. I found this topic to be particularly
interesting after watching my friends of different races voice what kind of
people they are attracted to, and a lot is based on where they are from. An example of this is my roommate from this
summer who is from the Dallas/Fort Worth area in Texas, and attends Texas
A&M University. She has her own
opinions of who she thinks is attractive and it does not matter to her what
race they are. However, one of my best
friends from home, who is extremely similar to my roommate, has a very
particular taste and generally is interested in very preppy White men. Both girls are White, slender and tall, and
very attractive themselves, but I see a lot of the space that they have lived
in reflected in who they are attracted to.
The girl from Texas has been in situations with a wide range of
diversity through her time growing up, as well as in school. On the opposite side, the girl who is
attracted to preppy boys has lived in a predominantly White area that is
considered in the upper or upper-middle class and has been interested in the
same type of guy since she could date.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
These
issues seem to be extremely dependent on place and space. Whether it is where someone grew up, the
environment in which they had a certain experience, or a more specific area
(such as a Catholic church versus a “Black” Baptist church), people are molded
to behave a certain way. I think it is
really society and our history that continues to enforce the differences. While this specific argument of the
construction of identity is more about race and geography, I think similar
“rules” apply to gender as well. If a
female is brought up in a family with several brothers, it is probable that she
will have some characteristics of a tomboy, at least before she starts seeing
the girly-girls at school, paying attention to commercials, and seeing what girls
“should” look like according to society.
Race can be seen as a practically identical concept. This, to me, is the root of all stereotypes. If we were to raise all children in an
identical matter, I’d be interested to see how relevant race becomes.<o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->The Dainty Onehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245735262835712362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-659562078639757734.post-90707824007517802142012-07-01T23:26:00.000-04:002012-07-01T23:26:03.289-04:00"Amazing"I'm worried that I'm going back to the place that I was at two and a half years ago. A place where I just feel crappy and sad and alone for no reason. Today my mind felt jumbled again, and I haven't felt like that for quite awhile.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://lookatmyhappyrainbow.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/caring.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://lookatmyhappyrainbow.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/caring.jpg" /></a>I don't really know what else to say about how I'm feeling. I just know that I'm tense and anxious and want to figure out what's going on. I'm worried about the future...it no longer feels...what's a good word?...<i>comfortable</i>. I feel like at this time last year I just knew that things would work out and now I really don't know what's going to happen. I don't know if I'll get into grad school or be successful of any of those things. I guess before now I felt more certain and it's hard for me to accept that I don't know what's coming next. Which indicates to me how much I like planning and routine.<br />
<br />
I'm still dissatisfied with my body and myself in general. I can't take compliments from anyone. One of my guy friends asked if I "still have a boyfriend?" to which I responded yes. He said "Well I tried" and I reminded him that I really value his friendship and spending time with him and he responded "...I understand. Nonetheless, you're amazing."<br />
<br />
I didn't know what to say to that. I don't often have people tell me that I'm amazing, and in the rare occasion that it happens I still don't agree with them. I don't feel sexy or fun or wantable and I don't understand how people can feel see me in that way either. It doesn't make sense.<br />
<br />
What's wrong with me though? It's hard for me to believe that someone wants to be with me or even just spend time with me. Or that people care about me. Why? What have I ever done that's good? I hate this feeling. A lot.<br />
<br />
Well this blog got off course quickly....<br />
<br />
5The Dainty Onehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245735262835712362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-659562078639757734.post-50227492913694345532012-06-19T23:27:00.003-04:002012-06-19T23:29:45.166-04:00Mawage is what bwings us togetha today.What to write...<br />
<br />
Marriage.<br />
<br />
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sbqv3MwwVd8<br />
<br />
I was checking out my Facebook today and on my timeline I saw some pictures of one of my friends and her fiance.<br />
<br />
Engagement pictures.<br />
<br />
Ah yes, it is that time. Everyone has just graduated from college and is moving on to the next phase of their lives. Which means that of course some of these guys popped the question to their honeys. And why not? What better time than now?<br />
<br />
Now before you start running to tell my boyfriend on me, know that I beat you to it. We had an amazing conversation about what we expect from the future very recently and I reminded him that I want to get married young.<br />
<br />
"Well, what do you consider old?" he said.<br />
<br />
"24."<br />
<br />
Needless to say, that was the moment where he may have freaked out just a little bit. But he was amazing and wasn't upset, and wanted to keep talking about it. Just to clarify, I don't think 24 is <i>old</i>. I just want to get married young. Very young. As in, I would get married tomorrow if it was feasible. However, I want both of us to finish undergrad and get through that phase of our lives first. But I want to get married young because I want to experience things with him. I want to be able to travel and have plenty of time with just the two of us before we have kids. I want to have a partner by my side.<br />
<br />
My parents got married at age 22. My dad proposed in college and my mom was engaged her senior year. They are incredibly happy and their relationship is amazing. I want to be them. I know that people are different and relationships are different, but I am a largely dependent person and am definitely ready to have someone with me.<br />
<br />
However, I'll wait if that's what he wants. My boyfriend is the absolute best, and I am confident that I want to spend my life with him, and he tells me that he feels the same. But I would rather wait and keep him than pressure him and lose him. So we'll see what the future holds. Fingers crossed for sooner rather than later!The Dainty Onehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245735262835712362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-659562078639757734.post-24578874747218224062012-01-22T23:44:00.002-05:002012-01-22T23:44:25.805-05:00RoommatesI have a new roommate for the spring semester.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://ia.media-imdb.com/images/M/MV5BMjIwMzQwMzMwNF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNjE5MTUxNA@@._V1._SY317_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://ia.media-imdb.com/images/M/MV5BMjIwMzQwMzMwNF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNjE5MTUxNA@@._V1._SY317_.jpg" /></a>Thus far in my career at school, I've had 3 roommates. 1 lasted me a year and a half, and I didn't have a roommate for the next semester. She turned into one of my best friends here at school. My second roommate was a sophomore while I was a junior. She was really quiet, but a great roommate. My third roommate is another one who I got along with extremely well, but she graduated after the fall semester. So now I'm left with this one.<br />
<br />
This roommate is not good. My boyfriend mentioned to me that everyone else we know has had at least one not-so-good experience so now it's my turn. This chick is new to the entire Penn State system and has no idea what she's doing. She asks me everyday which way to go to class. She goes to bed at 7pm because she's "so tired from walking so far", which causes her to wake up at 2am and get up and be extra loud. Getting on the phone, bustling around, etc. Then she wakes up again extra early (like 5:30/6am) getting ready for the day. It wouldn't be a big deal, but I wake up every time she does! She also tries to one-up everyone else and is extremely spoiled.<br />
<br />
On top of that, she's completely destroyed the room and she brought literally ~40 body sprays/perfumes with her. It's nearly impossible to breathe in the room now.<br />
<br />
So yeah, that's my rant. Hoping it will go uphill. I need another great semester....The Dainty Onehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245735262835712362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-659562078639757734.post-77227677839157493002011-11-20T23:56:00.000-05:002011-11-20T23:56:40.858-05:00Annoyance<a href="http://blogs.jwatch.org/general-medicine/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/call-mom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://blogs.jwatch.org/general-medicine/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/call-mom.jpg" /></a>I feel myself growing and thinking about different things everyday, which is good I think.<br />
<br />
One of these thoughts/feelings is that I feel like I'm annoying to some people who I actually don't want to annoy...other people, I don't care about as much in this case. I know that I can be very motherly and beg for people to take medicine, or eat food, or wear a coat, but I need to step back and remember that these people are grown. I feel like a parent when I say this, but it's just that I want the best for them...my intentions are always good! But this is where I'm a little torn. I know people change through their life, but then there's other aspects where it's like "that's just how you are." So do I go with my gut and still do my motherly nagging, or do I drop it completely?<br />
<br />
Perhaps I'll have to try both to see what works best.<br />
<br />
It will definitely take some real discipline to stop doing as many things for other people and reminding them of things, etc. Another thing I think I want to get out of this is for people to not take me for granted. It sounds silly, I know, but I also know some people just plan on me doing things like nagging/reminding and that's that. Is it wrong to not want to be taken for granted? What if they're <i>not</i> taking me for granted already?? I don't know...<br />
<br />
We'll see how this goes. It'll be interesting.<br />
<br />
Feeling bad now.<br />
<br />
4.The Dainty Onehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245735262835712362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-659562078639757734.post-66069744519956552782011-08-04T20:35:00.000-04:002011-08-04T20:35:58.545-04:00CapturedI feel like I understand so much more about life as I get older, which is to be expected of course.<br />
<br />
But it's more than that...I feel....ready.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://fineartamerica.com/images-medium/my-harvest-moon-lynn-andrews.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="220" src="http://fineartamerica.com/images-medium/my-harvest-moon-lynn-andrews.jpg" width="320" /></a>I know it's not going to be safe or easy where I'm going, but I said that about my last leap too. I'm confident that I'll be where I'm supposed to and I'll be able to figure out whatever I need to along the way.<br />
<br />
I can finally see past the next year. I don't know what it is that I see but there's definitely something.<br />
<br />
Whatever comes next, I'm ready.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
There's definitely something.The Dainty Onehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245735262835712362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-659562078639757734.post-79504220360942698032011-07-29T10:46:00.001-04:002011-08-04T20:24:50.899-04:00Doing What You Love<a href="http://www.customcrops.com/images/cuttlebug/music_note1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://www.customcrops.com/images/cuttlebug/music_note1.jpg" width="200" /></a>I met this guy at work who also goes to Penn State and is a Music major...more specifically a percussionist. Today he was telling me that he heard this piece that he really wanted to play but he couldn't find the sheet music for it, and I agreed with him saying that that is one of the most annoying things that can happen in a situation like that.<br />
<br />
Then I had a fleeting thought where I turned and looked at my nametag:<br />
<br />
<b>Brianna Hammond</b><br />
Geography Summer Intern<br />
Eastern Geographic Science Center<br />
U.S. Geological Survey<br />
<br />
<br />
I felt so incredibly jealous of my friend at that moment. He gets to experience music all day everyday which is something I would <i>love</i> to do. But here I am, an Engineering turned Geography major doing my own thing.<br />
<br />
They always say "do what you love", but I know I couldn't make a living in the competitive world of vocal performance and I <u>know<i> </i></u>I don't want to teach but those are the only two real options for a vocal performance major. However, that is where I find bliss, and sure I can sing on the side but it's not the same.<br />
<br />
This isn't to say that I don't like GIS...I do. But if I had it my way, I'd be experiencing music all day everyday just like the percussionist. It's been years since I've been capable of the things I was in high school with choir everyday and voice lessons every other week for 6 years. I had been molded into being decent at something that I loved.<br />
<br />
I don't love Geography or Engineering or anything else the way I love music. So people are probably like "well it doesn't matter if you can get a job or not as long as you're doing what you love". We all know we need money to live, and I want to keep the same lifestyle my parents have given me. Which makes me sound materialistic, but if I want to have a family and be able to experience things, I need to be financially stable.<br />
<br />
I don't know why, but at this moment, I just feel like I <i>can't</i> do music...like there's no way anyone can be successful and experience that much happiness in doing something. And even if it's possible, why do <b>I</b> deserve that?<br />
<br />
It's crazy that something that you can't even see can cause such a feeling of despair.The Dainty Onehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245735262835712362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-659562078639757734.post-81326241780441380962011-06-12T22:13:00.000-04:002011-06-12T22:13:29.643-04:00LandslideFeeling in kind of a down mood, so I'm just going to talk.<br />
<br />
How about a life update?<br />
Well I really like work, but now I feel like I'm getting pressure on so many sides. I'm looking at going to grad school for either geography or volcanology (two random things, I know) and I already have people shoving thesis ideas in my face. I have to get in first! That's going to be the hardest part...my GPA is well below a 3.0 and that's the minimum for the school that I'm seriously looking at. I'm scared to look at the GRE and I've been putting it off.<br />
For now I suppose it's just making money and getting through classes and bringing up my GPA.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br />
Yesterday was awesome. I went downtown with two of my friends from home and met up with two of my friends from school and didn't think or plan, just did. Normally that would make me extremely uncomfortable but since I had nothing else to do yesterday I just let it go. It was hot, but really, really good. I didn't think about any other crap that's happening in my life, and it's seriously just what I needed. I was talking to the only other girl in the group- one of my friends from home- and we were talking about how we realized that we weren't subconsciously afraid of being approached by anyone the entire day, simply because we had guys with us. It's a weird thing, but that's something that I think girls think about a lot even if it's not necessarily in the front of their mind.<br />
<br />
I remember when I was in 8th or 9th grade over the summer I was walking to my friend's house so that we could walk to the community pool together. This meant I was wearing my bathing suit and capris and a sheer ("translucent" for those who don't get "sheer") top. Halfway down my street when I was turning the corner onto my friend's street a guy who was probably in his 60s in a white pickup truck going the opposite way (i.e. coming towards me) slowed down to where I was walking.<br />
"Hi there."<br />
"Hi." I kept walking.<br />
"You're a beautiful girl. How old are you?"<br />
"16." I lied<br />
Then he sped off. I got to my friend's house about 30 seconds later and told her and her mom about it and I just kind of laughed it off, not thinking it was a big deal. I don't know why I lied and said I was 16...I think it was because there was something in my mind pushing me to not say my real age...which was 13 or 14. I found out later that my friend's mom called my parents and they called the police. That scared me. That night my family and I were eating dinner on our screened-in porch out in the back and a police officer just walked in. Apparently when he came to ask me questions our front door was open and was about to draw his gun. So he asked me questions and I gave him answers. He asked me if I got the license plate number and I said No. I felt really dumb after that because that would have been the smart thing to do.<br />
<br />
I wonder what would have happened if I had said/been 18. At the time, and even a few years after, I didn't understand the big deal. Why did they have to call the cops. But now I know. If that ever happened to my daughter I would have been really concerned.<br />
Did he have to use that word? "Beautiful"?<br />
I usually don't think back to this event when I hear that word, but if I do, the word almost repulses me. Is that weird? Probably not.<br />
<br />
Well that was a decent tanget. I'm hoping to do more of these this summer. No one reads them anyway, but this is more for me than for anyone else.<br />
<br />
<br />
I feel emo. Lonely and sad-ish and genuinely tired.The Dainty Onehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245735262835712362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-659562078639757734.post-41950001503334451222011-02-12T13:48:00.000-05:002011-02-12T13:48:20.797-05:00Girls are SlutsLast night in the dorms at 2:30ish, I heard a bunch of guys coming back from their clearly epic Friday night. They were all clearly drunk, and yelling towards each other. Naturally, I tried to hear what they were saying and the first thing I heard out of one of their mouths was "She's a f***ing faggot!!".<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.bolgernow.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/couple-arguing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="282" src="http://www.bolgernow.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/couple-arguing.jpg" width="320" /></a>Really dude? Or are you just pissed that she did something that you didn't like? Anyway, so amidst all of the yelling and testosterone, one of them moves everyone to a dorm room to compress it all. Even though my window was only cracked, I could still faintly hear them yelling at each other. All of a sudden, a chick yells out her window, "Shut the f*** up!!". As if by instinct, they responded.<br />
<br />
"You shut the f*** up, whore!"<br />
<br />
Eventually, both parties shut up for the most part. It was not until about 30 minutes later that the testosterone-ridden guys came tromping through the halls again, banging on doors and walls, and yelling and cursing about things that aren't even curse-worthy (i.e."Where the f*** is my sweatshirt?!"). The focus seemed to then turn to another person of the male gender that had done something wrong. Luckily for me, the main guy decided it was a good idea to go "kill him" and his other friends took off after him trying to change his mind.<br />
<br />
The thing that kind of stuck with me was how they talked about/to these girls. I hear it all the time, especially in the college atmosphere...a girl that does something- anything- wrong is the equivalent to a slut, a bitch, a whore, a tramp, or some other general sexual insult. As a girl, I just don't understand where that comes from. Is it because they see on TV or movies that a man in "power" can call a girl anything he desires? I'd bet that 85% of the time a girl is called a slut, she hasn't done anything that would put her in that category. Yet I hear it on a daily basis. And it's definitely not just guys.<br />
<br />
Although I have to admit it sounds worse to me when a guy says it...I'm not sure if that's me being a girl, or me being on the side where men respect women.<br />
<br />
That's another thing...I never referred to these people as men or women. Unfortunately they're at the age where most would refer to them as such, but there's no way I would call any of those guys "men".<br />
<br />
I guess there wasn't much of a point to this aside from the fact that I don't really understand why <b>that</b> is the common insult for males to females.<br />
<br />
<br />
Alright, enough of a ramble. I'm determined to buckle down for the rest of this semester.The Dainty Onehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245735262835712362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-659562078639757734.post-73255213163268030922011-01-11T17:39:00.000-05:002011-01-11T17:39:22.284-05:00Dear 10-Year-Old Brianna...Dear 10-Year-Old Brianna,<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZQ0q5N1Rwfg/TSzahcTNOaI/AAAAAAAAAEI/Mq4N5wyBP_E/s1600/37457_433698964881_500374881_5610560_5657011_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="229" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZQ0q5N1Rwfg/TSzahcTNOaI/AAAAAAAAAEI/Mq4N5wyBP_E/s320/37457_433698964881_500374881_5610560_5657011_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>There are so many differences between you and me. I wish I could say I am as happy as you are, but it's alright because at least I remember being you and having that feeling. There are some things that I wish I could go back and change, like not dating that boy, or picking another major, or taking chances that I didn't take. But then I would exist as I am would I? You are adorable, whether you'd like to believe it or not (the latter I'd assume) and you will go far. <b>WE</b> will go far. There's so much to experience in just a matter of 10 years and you will both love and hate the things that await you. What you should know is that the world won't stop turning. I know it will be hard for you to remember that, because it's hard for <i>me</i> to remember that. Be excited about the future. I know even at 10 years old you don't want to grow up and 10 years down the road you'll say the same thing sometimes, but let yourself have the change of heart because there's so much more than the first 20 years of your life. You WILL get to wear cute clothes at some point without having to offend Mom, and while you may not become comfortable with yourself and your physical appearance, others will let you know what they think of you. Even better, you'll grow into your body and learn to let it go more. You'll get braces, go through therapy, pass your driving test, and begin college at a great school in your future. Even with all the sucky things that happen to you, you'll have people there with you every step of the way. Enjoy where you are now, because you are a very lucky 10 year old with a lot of friends and a family that cares about you. Just know that whatever your choices are, you won't make the "wrong" one. Everything will turn out in the end.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
20-Year-Old BriannaThe Dainty Onehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245735262835712362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-659562078639757734.post-68882610860741546712010-12-29T21:45:00.000-05:002010-12-29T21:45:08.143-05:00EpiphanyI was reading through my blog and noticed how depressing and selfish and whiny it comes across. Yuck! I guess part of that is just how I write, but I could probably also be a little better about that.<br />
<br />
Just a recap of life since the last time I blogged:<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>This semester was beast for me. My first semester where my GPA was above a 3.0, and I felt </i><i>good about it. Not phenomenal, cause I always want to do better, but very satisfied (in a good way) with how it went. Hopefully it's up from here and I'm looking forward to next semester.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>Christmas Eve with my family was nice, even with the drama that happens. My family just got back from visiting with my mom's family in Seattle which was exhausting. I don't think I know one person on that side of the family who is not depressed (except for some of the kids my age [aka second cousins]). So that was hard. My aunt is in rehab for alcoholism and we visited with her twice. It was nice to see her, but way overwhelming to be there...we had to go to a 2 hour class on Tuesday in order to visit with her for half an hour so we did that and the session was about Enabling.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>There's also immediately family drama with my sister's depression and social struggles and that's really taking a toll on my family. I hate that I'm not here to be supportive or helpful or whatever during most of the year (even though I know I probably shouldn't feel guilty about that) and even if I'm included while I'm away, it's only a little bit. There's definitely a huge weight on my parents' and sister's shoulders.</i><br />
<br />
<i>Avery is coming to visit this weekend and then a few more days until it's back to school. ::sigh:: This break went by pretty quickly. </i><br />
<br />
I'm not sure what this blog is about. I watched "The Switch" today...or is it called "The Swap"...? Anyway, it's a movie with Jennifer Aniston and she hasn't found a boo, but she really wants a kid and so she gets a sperm donor. Her [man] best friend gets drunk at her "I'm getting pregnant!" Party and is pretty much denying to himself that he's in love with her even though they dated once upon a time (surprise!). So he switches out the donor's "ingredient" for his own and seven years pass and he meets the kid blah blah blah. Of course it ends up with a happy ending [she got with the donor midway through the movie but the kid hated him and the man friend didn't tell her that he switched or swapped until the end of the movie where she was in love with him too (surprise!) and <strike>the</strike> his kid loved him and everyone was great].<br />
<br />
I always feel like I'm rushing the family thing. Not the marriage thing, but the kids thing. I really want a baby, but I know I need to finish school and get a job and have a plan if I want what's best for my kid(s). But when I see movies like this or (some) families in the airport, they look so happy and I want that happiness. Maybe this is me feeling ready to really "leave the nest" finally and feel responsible. But that's where it's a little fuzzy, I <i>want</i> to have a family but I don't know if some of that want comes from lack of happiness or just truly being what I want. Hmmmm...that's not what I mean (but I left it in there so I wouldn't say it again)...I'm trying to figure out how to explain it. I don't want my wanting a family to be because of my maternal instincts or because you're "supposed" to have a family and it's getting towards that time, I want to want a family because it will make me happy and it's the right thing for me.<br />
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Just thinking about this now makes me question why I'm questioning it in the first place. A family will make me happy someday (hopefully sometime within the next 8-10ish years) and I know that's what I'm meant to do...bring a person, or people, into the world and let them contribute to the world and love and feel and think.<br />
<br />
Wow, that emotion just now was so <i>sure</i>. I love it! I know that was God taking over. I hate to say it, but sometimes I question Him (not His existence) and things that the Bible says. Not because I don't believe that there is a God, but because I just don't understand everything that goes along with Him. Anyway, aside from all of that, my point is that I have a strong feeling that that is one of my main purposes in life...to be a spouse and mother. Also, this is not meant to freak you out babe if you read this...I'm looking a few years into the future.<br />
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This is an exciting epiphany! Thank you, "thinking time", for helping me come to this!<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.visualphotos.com/photo/2x4643846/husband_forming_heart-shape_on_pregnant_wifes_pe0072691.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="282" src="http://www.visualphotos.com/photo/2x4643846/husband_forming_heart-shape_on_pregnant_wifes_pe0072691.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>I actually feel really good thinking about this right now.The Dainty Onehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245735262835712362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-659562078639757734.post-88400501164184561652010-11-30T22:01:00.001-05:002010-11-30T22:03:07.932-05:00Defeated<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><a href="http://img3.visualizeus.com/thumbs/10/01/05/black,,,white,nature,cloud,man,photography,portrait-80418317f7bed5975613c9feb0dbedfa_h.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" ox="true" src="http://img3.visualizeus.com/thumbs/10/01/05/black,,,white,nature,cloud,man,photography,portrait-80418317f7bed5975613c9feb0dbedfa_h.jpg" width="320" /></a>You know how I always talk about how weird I feel? It's one of those times.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">I know it's a bad weird.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">My stomach is churning, my heart is racing, and I feel nervous and sad and anxious for no reason. Crying without a reason is a pretty rare occasion for me but that's what tonight is looking towards. The more I try to understand why I'm feeling how I feel, the more sad I get. It's like a battle I can't win and my heart is physically hurting again. </div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">For some reason I my brain keeps shouting the idea at me that I'm sinking into everything...blending into my surroundings. I'm not sure if I even really understand what that means. Maybe that I <em>want</em> to feel invisible? Or maybe that I don't want to be? I don't know if that's it.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Why is it that at this very instant I feel the most insignificant and defeated as I've ever felt? There's nothing that even sparked this. Everything was cool...today was not too hectic, but now...</div><br />
<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><a href="http://stonebroketravel.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/NewRiverBridge_West_virginia.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; height: 221px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; width: 321px;"><img border="0" height="217" ox="true" src="http://stonebroketravel.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/NewRiverBridge_West_virginia.jpg" width="320" /></a>Now I feel afraid. Mostly of myself. That's one of the most bizarre feelings...being afraid of oneself. But I am...I feel like if I was standing on a bridge right now I would legitimately jump. Without much hesitation. I'm afraid because I don't know what snapped. Something obvoiusly sparked whatever I'm feeling right now. I'm scared because I can't express what's happening or what I'm thinking. Inside my head is mostly blurry with a few clear things screaming at me. It's so sick.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">I don't want to be in this world right now. I want to float somewhere where it doesn't matter if I'm there or not. Where I don't have to breathe or eat or be awake or aware. Where tiny pieces of pain are simply reminders that I still exist in some way. I don't know why I want pain to tell me I exist.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">I don't know what I want specifically. I want to feel normal but I don't know how that's achieved.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">I am frustrated and sad and defeated.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
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</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Defeated defeated defeated.</div>The Dainty Onehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245735262835712362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-659562078639757734.post-46761087712126378192010-11-09T23:55:00.000-05:002010-11-09T23:55:20.841-05:00A Mother<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/blacktriplets.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="160" src="http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/blacktriplets.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>I had this dream last night.<br />
<br />
I was a little older, in my mid-30s probably. I couldn't see myself because I was looking through my eyes, but I saw my hubby and he was in no means old, but definitely oldER than where we're at now. Anyway, he was the coach of some kind of team, or leading an event, or doing an activity with a class he was teaching. I was sitting along one of the edges of a room and some older kids (either high school or college) were doing an activity with him in the middle of the room. For some reason, I remember the color blue because I think they were all wearing bright blue robes or jerseys or whatever.<br />
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So I was sitting and watching and enjoying myself and all of a sudden three girls (aged about 9,12, and 17) walked in. They were fairly light-skinned... about my complexion or a little darker, and they had beautiful hair and all three of them were absolutely gorgeous. Still looking through my own eyes and still sitting down, each of them came over and hugged me and I asked them how their day was. I was their momma!!<br />
<br />
I asked my second child if she had homework and she said a little bit and I asked her what she had to do. She seemed hesitant to tell me but I pressed her a little and was like "it's ok, just tell me what project you've got". She told me and I was like "I'll help you with it later if you want!" and smiled. And she hugged me.<br />
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It was the BEST feeling ever...I wish I could explain it. It was so realistic even though I knew it was a dream. I was so happy and proud of my girls. The funny thing is that I don't even <i>want</i> girls...I want boys. But obviously I'll be happy with whatever I end up having.<br />
<br />
Anyhow, the activity was over and we got into our very nice car. Ave was in the front and our oldest was shotgun. I was in the back with the two little ones, and for some reason we went to a toy store.<br />
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That's all I really remember, but I just know that I was so happy. And thinking about it now makes me happy.<br />
<br />
Wow.The Dainty Onehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245735262835712362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-659562078639757734.post-66156941633592470712010-11-08T15:20:00.000-05:002010-11-08T15:20:07.598-05:00Ramble<a href="http://www.thechangeblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/self-awareness1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://www.thechangeblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/self-awareness1.jpg" width="400" /></a>I've been pretty self aware in the last week or two. And most of it is realizing that I just need to back off on some stuff and let people do what they need (or want) to do. I know that I need to remember that other people don't necessarily see things or think the way I do and that that's ok. So, yeah trying to work on that...bear with me while I better myself.<br />
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I was also thinking about where I was at this time last year. I was feeling a lot worse, that's for sure. I know I'm still not where I want to be with all of this stuff but in comparison, I'm happy with things. There's still a lot of anxiety, mostly about people I care about, but I don't feel as lost or down or sad for no reason. Let's hope it stays that way.<br />
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I actually really miss my family. They've visited once this semester, but I miss being at home with them more than I ever have. Of course when I'm actually there, I miss my family here at school, but I know I can't have both all the time.<br />
<br />
I'm becoming pretty aware of how old my grandparents really are. My maternal grandmother just turned 89 a few weeks ago, and while she's still going pretty well for her age, she's definitely slowing down and starting to become the bitter old woman stereotype. My mom, dad, sister and I are going to see my paternal grandmother for Thanksgiving and my maternal grandparents during Christmas so I'll get a chance to see them again. One thing I really want for my kids down the road is for them to be able to be with family as much as possible. I <b>never</b> get the chance to see my cousins. My dad's family lives in Colorado, and my mom's in Washington so my sister and I have never gotten that sense of family togetherness...at least with our extended family. It always feels like we're the outsiders.<br />
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It's ok though, I love all of them anyway.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.hhmi.org/images/bulletin/aug2007/nonsense_image.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="278" src="http://www.hhmi.org/images/bulletin/aug2007/nonsense_image.jpg" width="320" /></a>This post has been extremely random so far, and I thought I'd end on another random note. Well I guess it's kind of going off what I was talking about before with how I'm feeling. I'm <i>still</i> unhappy with how I look. I've been trying to be open this year but all I seem to do is compare myself with other people. And I know half the time it's unrealistic (like in a Victoria's Secret commercial). I want to achieve the goal of being happy with my looks while I'm still young! One thing that really bothers me though is the fact that I compare myself to other people. I always like to think that people are beautiful how they are, but for some reason, I just can't take that into consideration myself. It's not so much about what other people think, but the fact that I'M not happy with myself just kind of sucks. And I'm not even sure about what exactly I'd change since I see so much wrong with everything.<br />
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A meaningless ramble I think, but I haven't blogged in awhile and I wanted to spill what I thought I had stuffed inside.The Dainty Onehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245735262835712362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-659562078639757734.post-42280057111800387152010-07-28T00:19:00.000-04:002010-07-28T00:19:33.382-04:00Shot<a href="http://cdn.newsone.com/files/2009/07/gunviolence.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="http://cdn.newsone.com/files/2009/07/gunviolence.jpg" width="320" /></a>So I had this dream.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I don't remember how it started, but I know I was at some kind of family event in Nebraska. It was weird though cause in the first part I <i>do</i> remember, there was no one around me. I was on the shore of a lake or large creek with a lot of trees around me and grass. I'm pretty sure the next part of the dream consisted of me talking to some people and mingling in a picnic area or something...<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
<br />
...then I was back at the shore. Then my family was with me and we were kind of spread out in a square shape. A blonde girl came and started talking to me. I don't remember what she was wearing or if it was a good conversation or not...I think I didn't like her, but I definitely wasn't afraid of her.<br />
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The next thing I know, she pulls out a gun and shoots my dad, then my mom. I remember being behind my sister. She shot my sister then tried to shoot me, grazing Kerstin's right shoulder in the process. Then she shot me in the left side of my abdomen. Then she ran.<br />
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I was wearing a dress with a white top part and a black skirt part. I remember falling and looking down seeing blood on the white fabric and feeling the pain. I remember for the rest of the dream the white part of my dress was all ripped up for some reason.<br />
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Anyway, I wasn't dead. I just felt it and kept looking down and still know exactly how it looked. Where it was darker red and where it was lighter. I remember at some point that I was looking at myself from above and saw myself sprawled out on the grass.<br />
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I don't remember much else of the dream except that I asked my mom why she did that and she said something along the lines of "Cause you're black". I've never had any blatantly discriminating behavior directed towards me so that was interesting to me. <br />
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Ugh, I feel sick now just thinking about it. My heart is racing. It felt real...I woke up and legitimately thought I had a been shot. The first thing I did when I woke up was feel my stomach and look at it. I'm a paranoid person to begin with...always thinking people are out to snatch me or whatever, but this made it more intense.<br />
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I am afraid.The Dainty Onehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245735262835712362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-659562078639757734.post-15525262175692916142010-06-13T00:37:00.000-04:002010-06-13T00:37:20.617-04:00Every Now and then I Feel a Little Bit Terrified<a href="http://fc03.deviantart.net/fs49/f/2009/180/3/4/razor_blade_love_by_xXMrs_ToddXx.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://fc03.deviantart.net/fs49/f/2009/180/3/4/razor_blade_love_by_xXMrs_ToddXx.jpg" width="320" /></a>I'm going to let the fingers just take over and let them connect to my brain.<br />
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I want to leave here. I feel as though I've matured past my friends at home in certain ways. People here are so terribly concerned with what other people think and it really irritates me. I may be giving myself way too much credit, but I've learned so much about letting other people handle themselves since I've been to school. Something as little as not making a facebook event private and getting a comment about it brought me to this awareness of the "shallow" thinking that happens sometimes. Let people take control over their business. If they're offended because of a public facebook event, then they may have some deeper things to sort out. (Yes, I realize this was a side rant)<br />
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My family is "fractured". Well that's what my dad says. It sounds more serious than I want it to though. We're going to therapy this coming week sometime. They say we should go at least once while I'm home. I just hope it doesn't make things worse. I'm always the big sister. I've never been able to go to my older sister for advice or anything and as little of a thing as it may be, it bothers me. I love her and I want to help her succeed, literally in any way that I can. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to take care of her when we get to be older and I really want to be engulfed in my life. Is that bad? I feel like I'm just floating through life right now, and not in a good way.<br />
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I guess overall I've just been feeling so overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts and desperation to fix things. When I feel like this it brings back memories of high school when hurting myself was the best relief I could get. What started as self-punishment turned into something that reminded me of mortality and physical feeling. It may sound over the top but I still understand why I did it. I just want to get out of here so bad. I want to be around people who don't judge me and won't get their feelings hurt when I say what I'm thinking or just lay things out and am completely real with them. I want to leave.The Dainty Onehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245735262835712362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-659562078639757734.post-31330282708746730422010-06-03T00:13:00.001-04:002010-06-03T00:56:49.811-04:00She's Superwoman<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_KWFyRvOIPrg/SO3aXx8Tn3I/AAAAAAAAAMc/xytwnumcNOY/s1600/sexy_silhouette.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_KWFyRvOIPrg/SO3aXx8Tn3I/AAAAAAAAAMc/xytwnumcNOY/s320/sexy_silhouette.jpg" /></a></div>I don't know what's happening to me.<br />
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I’m tired of feeling this way. I keep thinking “If only I had the body, I would have one less worry. One less massive worry…” My stomach is freaking huge. Today certainly wasn’t the first time I hated looking at myself, but things just seemed to pop more than they have in the past. Thunder thighs, huge pores, the neck pouch, the waist, even the boobs. Ugh.<br />
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I want to be pretty. Hot. Sexy. Whatever. I want my boyfriend to be able to mean it when he compliments me and not have to tiptoe around my ridiculously sensitive feelings. I want to be a good role model for those younger than myself. How am I supposed to do that with the way I see myself?<br />
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I think I used to pretend that I was more okay with myself. That's the main thing I think. I want to be able to see myself as pretty. Or at least somewhat satisfying to look at. I'm sick of pretending that I like myself. And this is just physically...we won't even get started on my personality.<br />
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I was happy that I lost weight, but I didn't look any different. I'd like to pretend that I have an hourglass figure, but I don't. Sure, ultimately this argument could go to "well who's to say what's pretty?" and my response without diving too much in depth is that I want to be attractive. Males are attracted to females in certain physical ways, they way they walk, their complexion (also an "ew" on me), their physique.<br />
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All my friends are perfect. Flat stomachs, proportioned bodies, perky boobs, long legs, nice butts, pretty faces...and my boo. He's gorgeous too even if he does try and contradict me. I'm the outsider looking in at near perfection. I would settle for less.<br />
<a href="http://dublinbootcamps.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/flat-stomach.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://dublinbootcamps.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/flat-stomach.jpg" /></a><br />
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I just want to like myself.<br />
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Fuck.The Dainty Onehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245735262835712362noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-659562078639757734.post-45848583413927819872010-05-23T00:29:00.000-04:002010-05-23T00:29:19.991-04:00Moon River<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.idmphotos.com/BrideHoldingBaby.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www.idmphotos.com/BrideHoldingBaby.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>Ok, so lately I've been unintentionally watching things that make me really excited and anxious for the future. It's turning overwhelming though actually. Like, I'll turn on the the TV and see Knocked Up or My Fair Wedding with David Tutera. I mean obviously it's not just those, but it's seeing people living what I'm expecting to live in the next ten years, maybe less.<br />
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I'm not trying to freak anyone out by this, it's really all of my anxiety for what I want out of life. Within the next decade I mean. I mean, my mom got married when she was 22 years old. <b>2. 2. </b>That's like, tomorrow! Ahhhh! I'm just in the mode where there is so much more to life than calculus and computer sciences and <i>physics</i>. I want to be at the point where I'm stable and I can plan my wedding. I want to plan the flowers, the venue, the guest list, the dress, the cake...everything. Even though I'm excited for planning it (haha) I'm even more excited to spend the rest of my life with someone. I'm not trying to rush it, I'll just be excited when it gets here...so I don't want it to be forever. Ugh I don't know if I'm making myself clear but whatever.<br />
<br />
You know what else I'm excited for? Babies. That one I feel like I'm not as anxious for. I like being young, ready to have adventures whenever. I want to be able to travel and have fun with my husband and newly established life. I want to entertain friends with dinner parties and go out for lunch dates and be able to buy my friends nice things. But anyway...<br />
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I don't know. I feel oddly immersed in this world of non-academic life. I'm almost ready to start this life and find my niche with family and friends behind me. It may sound cheesy, but 100% honest.<br />
<br />
What do you think? Do you think it's too early to be thinking about stuff like this, or do you think it's good/healthy to be thinking about this? Do you ever think about it? Bah humbug.The Dainty Onehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245735262835712362noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-659562078639757734.post-2641919770648005462010-04-21T19:21:00.000-04:002010-04-21T20:14:53.386-04:00Keep Holding On<a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/a6/Cygnus_Loop_Supernova_Blast_Wave_-_GPN-2000-000992.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/a6/Cygnus_Loop_Supernova_Blast_Wave_-_GPN-2000-000992.jpg" width="318" /></a>This unit of Astro has made me feel ridiculously insignificant. And it makes me feel like I shouldn't worry as much.<br />
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But then it all goes away and I fall back to the reality of everything. I want to keep that feeling.<br />
<br />
One thing I've been finding out about myself is that I really want to feel wanted. Not really in an "I need attention" sort of way. Just having the feeling that maybe someone will miss me when I don't see them.<br />
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I'm not seeing Cathie anymore...she says she thinks I've progressed and I just kind of went along with it and said "yeah". My disposition has been noticeably better than last semester, but I don't know that I actually feel better. Maybe I've been better at hiding it. I know I'm still not happy. And I know that's not ok. I'm clearly stressed. I can't really tell when it gets to that critical point until [forgive me if you get grossed out at this stuff] my period gets mad delayed and out of wack. Which it is. Fail.<br />
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I envy people who have the guts to do what they truly truly love.<br />
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I don't know how I'm feeling about leaving in two weeks. I'm excited to be done with classes but I don't want to go "home". I want to start real life. Except for not because I don't want to lose people.<br />
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Blah...I feel weird right now. It's not a good weird or a neutral weird, it's kind of a bad weird. And I can't put my finger on what it is that's causing it. Eh.<br />
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4.The Dainty Onehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245735262835712362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-659562078639757734.post-49501521376750898472010-03-19T15:53:00.000-04:002010-03-19T15:53:46.099-04:00Gloomy Sunday<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><a href="http://metadiary.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/suicide-bear.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://metadiary.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/suicide-bear.jpg" vt="true" width="320" /></a>I have so many things to say but I really don't know where to start.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">I skipped my meeting with Cathie this morning. I just didn't want to talk to her. My mind is pretty cloudy and I wasn't feeling the hour-long Q&A about life when I don't even know what to say. I'm still kind of at that point, so this is probably mostly for my own benefit.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">I think I'm just really furstrated with myself. I don't want to make other peoples' lives more difficult than they need to be and I feel like that's what I'm doing. And I honestly think I've felt that way even before I got here, but it's heightened. I'm a "people-pleaser" and I'm not always successful in doing so, but lately I though I was doing good as far as accepting that. But now, thinking about it more, I'm just not. I think I get so wrapped up in other stuff that a lot of times I don't realize how I'm acting or what I'm doing, and I can easily be doing more "harm" than good. It's not an excuse for doing stupid things, I think it just means that I need to take a step back and be constantly aware of what I'm saying and doing, or not doing.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div>Ultimately I make things harder for myself too. Well I think so. Cause like for this, I'm trying to better myself or whatever but can look back and see that I did the opposite. And the fact that I can't see it all the time to stop myself, or that people think I'm too delicate to handle what they think of me or what I do, really gets to me. And, please don't get frightened or upset, it legitimately makes me feel like the world would be better off without me. Again, not a suicide threat or anything, just a feeling floating around me. <br />
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I want to take care of people. I want them to be ok and happy and I want to help them achieve that good state of being. I'm in the mode where I feel like there's so much more wrong with me than right with me and it's weird.<br />
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And unpleasant.<br />
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One step forward and two steps back.<br />
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4The Dainty Onehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245735262835712362noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-659562078639757734.post-64085525770405020852010-03-13T22:53:00.000-05:002010-03-13T22:53:39.205-05:00Fishbowl<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><a href="http://mayhem-chaos.net/photoblog/images/weird_bubble.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://mayhem-chaos.net/photoblog/images/weird_bubble.jpg" vt="true" width="320" /></a>I just read all of my previous blogs and have seen how much I've moved forward. Or tried. And now I feel like I don't have much to say</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
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</div>Except that I feel weird. I know I tell that to people a lot, and often it's different weirds. But now i just feel bad weird. I feel like I'm going back to where I was in November and December feeling-wise. I feel tense and worthless and, for the first time ever, uninterested. When I say that I mean in stuff I would normally be really enthusiastic about it. I want to go into the practice rooms with a piece of music and just <em>go</em> but then when I think about it I don't want to. That's never happened to me before. I'm afraid that I'm turning some kind of way because of not having a roommate. It might sound dumb and I honestly don't know what the change might be but I can feel it.<br />
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So over break my best friend and I had a very passionate discussion (I won't call it a dispute, cause I don't think it was) and he thinks we made some progress on me but I don't really think so. I may be wrong. He put it in really good words one time..."I think you just need to learn how to be alone, without being lonely". <br />
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So true.<br />
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I honestly think that's the biggest issue. Well and that I'm overly attached to one person.<br />
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I'm really really REALLY having an internal struggle with this issue because I don't know what to do with it. How to address it. And it affects other people and I don't particularly like that that happens.<br />
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Wrestling with myself legitimately makes me tired. And the fact that this is truly affecting my life really bothers me. <br />
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See, like now, I'm upset.<br />
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Short blog.<br />
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3The Dainty Onehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245735262835712362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-659562078639757734.post-78082693662082662432010-03-02T12:16:00.000-05:002010-03-02T12:16:37.415-05:00Men<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><a href="http://ballyhooligan.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/hot_firemen.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" kt="true" src="http://ballyhooligan.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/hot_firemen.jpg" width="312" /></a>Lately I've realized that most of the people I hang out with are guys and I've been learning a lot about their reactions and just how they function overall. All of it is intriguing to me because I grew up with one man in my family, and no nearby extended family to be surrounded by.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">In this blog, I am not bashing men, nor am I putting women on a pedastal (because in all honesty, I don't like them, but that's another day). Just keep that in mind. And I'm not trying to be creepy.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Anyway, I've caught myself just watching and listening to them sometimes and I learn so much about the male "race". The main thing I saw was that when they are around each other just hanging out, they don't <em>worry</em> about anything. And that's of course being general, and not to say that they aren't worrying about something. But they can totally push their worrying aside when they're with their friends, as opposed to females who gossip and talk about who said what to who. And that, when you think about it, can lead to a lot of subconscious stress. Men do gossip. A lot actually. But they let it go and don't drag it around with them all the time. Which I think allows them a certain kind of freedom that women don't take for themselves.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">I have also noticed that they <em>never</em> talk about their feelings with each other unless it's "Dude, I was so pissed off" or something along those lines. I know men tend to be less emotional than women, but what's the purpose of that? Is it because it's not "manly" or because if they do talk about it they become vulnerable? Interestingly enough, they're not as hesitant to talk about their emotions with females. I don't know if that's a tactic to earn trust or just to humor them, but if guys are, in fact, being genuine, then aren't they showing the same vulnerability. A lot of times people will talk about how girls dress to impress girls, not guys; I'm wondering, is this the same kind of situation where guys feel the need to seem more masculine in front of other guys and not so much in front of girls? I know that the majority of my guy friends are actually really sensitive and I guess I just wonder why they hide that.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Another random and little thing that they do is to almost <em>never</em> apologize to each other. It's funny because I see that they'll apologize to me sometimes and just be like "Aww I'm sorry" even if I'm not upset about something, but they don't do it amongst each other. I guess that's just part of letting things go right? Not related to this mannerism, I think all guys secretly (or not) want to be the "alpha male". Which might be true for both genders-that they want to be powerful in terms of gender.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div>Whatever, I know I'll continue paying attention to how they sit, walk, speak, stand, react, and everything else. I think by learning how men act, I can better relate to them, or at least understand why they do what they do sometimes, and I'll be less likely to be pissed at something they did. I feel confident in this method, because right now, I feel clueless.<br />
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Kbye.The Dainty Onehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245735262835712362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-659562078639757734.post-8792815366061650242010-02-11T04:18:00.000-05:002010-02-11T04:18:40.130-05:00Separation<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_22ZsZHlvKFs/R1SgAQpwY5I/AAAAAAAAAMU/0fRt2KofcRw/s1600-R/Separation+Anxiety+Assemblage+2006.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" ct="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_22ZsZHlvKFs/R1SgAQpwY5I/AAAAAAAAAMU/0fRt2KofcRw/s320-R/Separation+Anxiety+Assemblage+2006.jpg" /></a></div><br />
So a day or two ago when my best friend was out with his fellow sociology people, something hit me.<br />
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I felt the most alone I've ever felt.<br />
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More alone than over the summer, more alone than when I spent the weekend by myself when my roommate was away, literally more alone than ever. But not only did I feel alone, I was actually <em>upset</em>. I immediately got frustrated with myself for feeling like this when he was out being with people who he could have good discussions and a fun time with. He, out of everyone I know, is the most deserving of time away from me seeing as I spend as much time as I have outside of class with him.<br />
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Anyway, I realized how attached I get to people. Well, people and situations and schedules, etc. I was/am attached to my Pennypacker room, I'm overly attached to my car, I'm attached to Penn State, and I'm attached to him. Now, I think it's perfectly acceptable to be attached to things, but in a healthy way. The way I'm attached to some of this stuff is definitely <strong>not</strong> healthy. Crying over being away from school when my life is perfectly fine away from it is just too much. Being jealous or whatever that feeling was when my best friend/boyfriend finds a new group of people that he connects with and is away from me for slightly longer than usual is really not ok. So why did it upset me? My best guess of why is because I felt disconnected. And I don't know how to not feel this way. I don't know how to stop getting attached to things...even something as simple as my schedule for spring 09. The only option I feel like I have is just not connecting with people and participating in less activities. This will force me to not miss things as much when I'm away from them or be overbearing to others. But I don't want to lose those connections. I refuse to let them go. I find happiness in my structure and organizational patterns, and relationships with other people. So what now?<br />
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I don't even know how to work on this one.The Dainty Onehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245735262835712362noreply@blogger.com0