Feelings

Here I sit, having almost completed my first year of grad school.  It's been really difficult, and I feel pretty miserable.  I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing and that I'm not really moving forward.  I feel like thus far this process has been a waste of my time as well as others'. I feel like nothing beneficial is going to come out of it.  I feel unsure of my abilities as a student and as a person in order to be successful.

I feel extremely worried that my long-term, long-distance relationship is going to be stagnant or break.  I feel worried that I'm going to lose the love of my life because I question his faith, and while I'm trying to understand and learn, I feel like I'm never going to be at the point at which he needs me to be.

I feel insensitive, for some of the thoughts that go through my head.  I feel horrible, knowing that my problems are minimal compared to many others' in the world, but still feeling the way I do.  I feel like I'm not going to get anywhere in life and that I don't deserve to have happiness a family of my own.  I feel unhappy and desperate and tired.  I feel bad and alone.

2

A New Phase

And so begins a new phase. I've graduated and am not on my own getting ready to start grad school. Without any friends or familiarity for comfort.  I've been on my own for a day and a half and I'm already lonely.

I have resources. I have people to call, people to text, people to email.  But starting fresh at this point is not something I'm ready for.  There is a pit in my stomach that feels as if it won't ever leave.  I feel sick in a foreign place that familiar people have had their hands on but are no longer nearby.  I am not a car ride away, but an expensive plan ticket with at least one layover away.  I'm a time zone away.

It's easy to comment "But it's only temporary, what's the big deal?"

It doesn't feel temporary.  I've changed my mailing address and expect to be here for a minimum of two years.  And now, I don't know if I want to be.  Sure, grad school is an investment in my future and can potentially provide me with more possibilities, but it also infers a cost.  I'm away from my family and significant other when I don't have to be.

Hearing (or seeing?) my qualms makes me feel like I'm petty and ungrateful, but I'd like to think that I'm neither of those things.  I feel horrible and want to be with those that I'm happiest with.

4

Gender And Geography

This is a paper that I wrote for one of my classes recently regarding gender, race, and space.

I became more interested in exploring the ideas behind the Twine article because I feel that the points that are made are very accurate.  Why? 

If you look at a picture of my immediate family taken in the early 1990s, you'll see me as the baby in someone's lap, and my sister as a toddler.  I think this picture is essential for putting my own story in context.  The first thing that most people ask me when I show them a picture of my sister is, “Do you both have the same parents?”  It is hard for me to imagine what kind of identity struggles my sister has had growing up, since she has more White features than I do, including red streaks in her hair from our Irish ancestors, as well as being extremely prone to sunburns.  What’s even more interesting is that her very light skin, or this racial barrier, if you will, has not acted as a restricting factor to some of her life choices.  In fact, it was she who went to an HBCU for two years of school and me that came to a Predominantly White Institution (PWI). She finds men of most races attractive.  She has a style different from what most would identify as Black or White, and she has no real accent.

            Even with all of that said, I think that if you asked each of us now what race we identify with as individuals, she would say White and I would say Black.  Our answers would likely be different because each of us has had different moments in our lives where people have treated us different because of our apparent race.  As Twine says, we “had not been conscious of being culturally different from” each other when we were young.  It took both of us awhile to realize that people would treat us differently, even right in front of each other.  Part of this was that we lived in Carson City, NV for a period of time and the Black population there is approximately 1%.  It is probably for this reason that I was called by some of my friends “the whitest Black girl they knew”, and I took no offense to what they said because I agreed.  My sister and I spoke, acted, and behaved “White” because that is the social manner that we were taught in grade school in Carson City.  However, some of my African American friends walked, talked, and behaved “Black” because that is the culture they were raised in.  There was one time that I walked into a store with my boyfriend who is Black and from Philadelphia, and I reached into my purse to grab my chapstick but he stopped me.  He had learned at a very young age not to reach into pockets in places like stores because people would accuse him of stealing.  I had never heard of anything like this, although it made perfect sense to me.  This, I think, is a prime example of differences in Black and White behavior.  All of these things support Twine’s argument that “white cultural identity begins in childhood…” although, of course I am sure there are exceptions in several instances.

            Something we hit on as a class is that Twine does not acknowledge the possibility of the presence of grey area.  I know that I generally speak to Black and White people slightly differently, depending on the situation.  In essence I will say the same thing to both parties, but just in different ways.  What is extremely interesting to me is that it is almost a subconscious change in language.  My learned way of speaking was constructed in a majority White environment, but when I am interacting with my Black peers I use language and slang that I’ve gathered from prior interactions with them or others in the Black community.  Perhaps it is because I want to fit in, or I just want to make people hear what I’m saying (and I do not know the answer to that), but I make these changes in language nearly every time I interact with someone, without fail.  It’s clear that I struggle with my own identity in some ways!

            Another sub-concept that we touched on but did not delve into surrounding the Twine article was what men are stereotypically attracted to what women in reference to race and vice versa.  I found this topic to be particularly interesting after watching my friends of different races voice what kind of people they are attracted to, and a lot is based on where they are from.  An example of this is my roommate from this summer who is from the Dallas/Fort Worth area in Texas, and attends Texas A&M University.  She has her own opinions of who she thinks is attractive and it does not matter to her what race they are.  However, one of my best friends from home, who is extremely similar to my roommate, has a very particular taste and generally is interested in very preppy White men.  Both girls are White, slender and tall, and very attractive themselves, but I see a lot of the space that they have lived in reflected in who they are attracted to.  The girl from Texas has been in situations with a wide range of diversity through her time growing up, as well as in school.  On the opposite side, the girl who is attracted to preppy boys has lived in a predominantly White area that is considered in the upper or upper-middle class and has been interested in the same type of guy since she could date.

            These issues seem to be extremely dependent on place and space.  Whether it is where someone grew up, the environment in which they had a certain experience, or a more specific area (such as a Catholic church versus a “Black” Baptist church), people are molded to behave a certain way.  I think it is really society and our history that continues to enforce the differences.  While this specific argument of the construction of identity is more about race and geography, I think similar “rules” apply to gender as well.  If a female is brought up in a family with several brothers, it is probable that she will have some characteristics of a tomboy, at least before she starts seeing the girly-girls at school, paying attention to commercials, and seeing what girls “should” look like according to society.  Race can be seen as a practically identical concept.  This, to me, is the root of all stereotypes.  If we were to raise all children in an identical matter, I’d be interested to see how relevant race becomes.

"Amazing"

I'm worried that I'm going back to the place that I was at two and a half years ago.  A place where I just feel crappy and sad and alone for no reason.  Today my mind felt jumbled again, and I haven't felt like that for quite awhile.

I don't really know what else to say about how I'm feeling. I just know that I'm tense and anxious and want to figure out what's going on.  I'm worried about the future...it no longer feels...what's a good word?...comfortable.  I feel like at this time last year I just knew that things would work out and now I really don't know what's going to happen.  I don't know if I'll get into grad school or be successful of any of those things.  I guess before now I felt more certain and it's hard for me to accept that I don't know what's coming next.  Which indicates to me how much I like planning and routine.

I'm still dissatisfied with my body and myself in general. I can't take compliments from anyone.  One of my guy friends asked if I "still have a boyfriend?" to which I responded yes.  He said "Well I tried" and I reminded him that I really value his friendship and spending time with him and he responded "...I understand. Nonetheless, you're amazing."

I didn't know what to say to that. I don't often have people tell me that I'm amazing, and in the rare occasion that it happens I still don't agree with them. I don't feel sexy or fun or wantable and I don't understand how people can feel see me in that way either. It doesn't make sense.

What's wrong with me though?  It's hard for me to believe that someone wants to be with me or even just spend time with me.  Or that people care about me. Why? What have I ever done that's good?  I hate this feeling.  A lot.

Well this blog got off course quickly....

5

Mawage is what bwings us togetha today.

What to write...

Marriage.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sbqv3MwwVd8

I was checking out my Facebook today and on my timeline I saw some pictures of one of my friends and her fiance.

Engagement pictures.

Ah yes, it is that time.  Everyone has just graduated from college and is moving on to the next phase of their lives.  Which means that of course some of these guys popped the question to their honeys.  And why not?  What better time than now?

Now before you start running to tell my boyfriend on me, know that I beat you to it.  We had an amazing conversation about what we expect from the future very recently and I reminded him that I want to get married young.

"Well, what do you consider old?" he said.

"24."

Needless to say, that was the moment where he may have freaked out just a little bit.  But he was amazing and wasn't upset, and wanted to keep talking about it.  Just to clarify, I don't think 24 is old.  I just want to get married young. Very young.  As in, I would get married tomorrow if it was feasible.  However, I want both of us to finish undergrad and get through that phase of our lives first.  But I want to get married young because I want to experience things with him.  I want to be able to travel and have plenty of time with just the two of us before we have kids.  I want to have a partner by my side.

My parents got married at age 22.  My dad proposed in college and my mom was engaged her senior year.  They are incredibly happy and their relationship is amazing.  I want to be them.  I know that people are different and relationships are different, but I am a largely dependent person and am definitely ready to have someone with me.

However, I'll wait if that's what he wants.  My boyfriend is the absolute best, and I am confident that I want to spend my life with him, and he tells me that he feels the same.  But I would rather wait and keep him than pressure him and lose him.  So we'll see what the future holds.  Fingers crossed for sooner rather than later!

Roommates

I have a new roommate for the spring semester.

Thus far in my career at school, I've had 3 roommates. 1 lasted me a year and a half, and I didn't have a roommate for the next semester. She turned into one of my best friends here at school.  My second roommate was a sophomore while I was a junior.  She was really quiet, but a great roommate.  My third roommate is another one who I got along with extremely well, but she graduated after the fall semester.  So now I'm left with this one.

This roommate is not good.  My boyfriend mentioned to me that everyone else we know has had at least one not-so-good experience so now it's my turn.  This chick is new to the entire Penn State system and has no idea what she's doing. She asks me everyday which way to go to class. She goes to bed at 7pm because she's "so tired from walking so far", which causes her to wake up at 2am and get up and be extra loud. Getting on the phone, bustling around, etc.  Then she wakes up again extra early (like 5:30/6am) getting ready for the day.  It wouldn't be a big deal, but I wake up every time she does! She also tries to one-up everyone else and is extremely spoiled.

On top of that, she's completely destroyed the room and she brought literally ~40 body sprays/perfumes with her. It's nearly impossible to breathe in the room now.

So yeah, that's my rant. Hoping it will go uphill. I need another great semester....

Annoyance

I feel myself growing and thinking about different things everyday, which is good I think.

One of these thoughts/feelings is that I feel like I'm annoying to some people who I actually don't want to annoy...other people, I don't care about as much in this case.  I know that I can be very motherly and beg for people to take medicine, or eat food, or wear a coat, but I need to step back and remember that these people are grown.  I feel like a parent when I say this, but it's just that I want the best for them...my intentions are always good! But this is where I'm a little torn. I know people change through their life, but then there's other aspects where it's like "that's just how you are."  So do I go with my gut and still do my motherly nagging, or do I drop it completely?

Perhaps I'll have to try both to see what works best.

It will definitely take some real discipline to stop doing as many things for other people and reminding them of things, etc.  Another thing I think I want to get out of this is for people to not take me for granted.  It sounds silly, I know, but I also know some people just plan on me doing things like nagging/reminding and that's that. Is it wrong to not want to be taken for granted?  What if they're not taking me for granted already??  I don't know...

We'll see how this goes.  It'll be interesting.

Feeling bad now.

4.