Annoyance

I feel myself growing and thinking about different things everyday, which is good I think.

One of these thoughts/feelings is that I feel like I'm annoying to some people who I actually don't want to annoy...other people, I don't care about as much in this case.  I know that I can be very motherly and beg for people to take medicine, or eat food, or wear a coat, but I need to step back and remember that these people are grown.  I feel like a parent when I say this, but it's just that I want the best for them...my intentions are always good! But this is where I'm a little torn. I know people change through their life, but then there's other aspects where it's like "that's just how you are."  So do I go with my gut and still do my motherly nagging, or do I drop it completely?

Perhaps I'll have to try both to see what works best.

It will definitely take some real discipline to stop doing as many things for other people and reminding them of things, etc.  Another thing I think I want to get out of this is for people to not take me for granted.  It sounds silly, I know, but I also know some people just plan on me doing things like nagging/reminding and that's that. Is it wrong to not want to be taken for granted?  What if they're not taking me for granted already??  I don't know...

We'll see how this goes.  It'll be interesting.

Feeling bad now.

4.

Captured

I feel like I understand so much more about life as I get older, which is to be expected of course.

But it's more than that...I feel....ready.

I know it's not going to be safe or easy where I'm going, but I said that about my last leap too.  I'm confident that I'll be where I'm supposed to and I'll be able to figure out whatever I need to along the way.

I can finally see past the next year.  I don't know what it is that I see but there's definitely something.

Whatever comes next, I'm ready.






There's definitely something.

Doing What You Love

I met this guy at work who also goes to Penn State and is a Music major...more specifically a percussionist.  Today he was telling me that he heard this piece that he really wanted to play but he couldn't find the sheet music for it, and I agreed with him saying that that is one of the most annoying things that can happen in a situation like that.

Then I had a fleeting thought where I turned and looked at my nametag:

Brianna Hammond
Geography Summer Intern
Eastern Geographic Science Center
U.S. Geological Survey


I felt so incredibly jealous of my friend at that moment.  He gets to experience music all day everyday which is something I would love to do.  But here I am, an Engineering turned Geography major doing my own thing.

They always say "do what you love", but I know I couldn't make a living in the competitive world of vocal performance and I know I don't want to teach but those are the only two real options for a vocal performance major.  However, that is where I find bliss, and sure I can sing on the side but it's not the same.

This isn't to say that I don't like GIS...I do.  But if I had it my way, I'd be experiencing music all day everyday just like the percussionist.  It's been years since I've been capable of the things I was in high school with choir everyday and voice lessons every other week for 6 years.  I had been molded into being decent at something that I loved.

I don't love Geography or Engineering or anything else the way I love music.  So people are probably like "well it doesn't matter if you can get a job or not as long as you're doing what you love".  We all know we need money to live, and I want to keep the same lifestyle my parents have given me.  Which makes me sound materialistic, but if I want to have a family and be able to experience things, I need to be financially stable.

I don't know why, but at this moment, I just feel like I can't do music...like there's no way anyone can be successful and experience that much happiness in doing something.  And even if it's possible, why do I deserve that?

It's crazy that something that you can't even see can cause such a feeling of despair.

Landslide

Feeling in kind of a down mood, so I'm just going to talk.

How about a life update?
Well I really like work, but now I feel like I'm getting pressure on so many sides. I'm looking at going to grad school for either geography or volcanology (two random things, I know) and I already have people shoving thesis ideas in my face. I have to get in first! That's going to be the hardest part...my GPA is well below a 3.0 and that's the minimum for the school that I'm seriously looking at. I'm scared to look at the GRE and I've been putting it off.
For now I suppose it's just making money and getting through classes and bringing up my GPA.

Yesterday was awesome. I went downtown with two of my friends from home and met up with two of my friends from school and didn't think or plan, just did. Normally that would make me extremely uncomfortable but since I had nothing else to do yesterday I just let it go. It was hot, but really, really good. I didn't think about any other crap that's happening in my life, and it's seriously just what I needed. I was talking to the only other girl in the group- one of my friends from home- and we were talking about how we realized that we weren't subconsciously afraid of being approached by anyone the entire day, simply because we had guys with us.  It's a weird thing, but that's something that I think girls think about a lot even if it's not necessarily in the front of their mind.

I remember when I was in 8th or 9th grade over the summer I was walking to my friend's house so that we could walk to the community pool together.  This meant I was wearing my bathing suit and capris and a sheer ("translucent" for those who don't get "sheer") top.  Halfway down my street when I was turning the corner onto my friend's street a guy who was probably in his 60s in a white pickup truck going the opposite way (i.e. coming towards me)  slowed down to where I was walking.
"Hi there."
"Hi." I kept walking.
"You're a beautiful girl. How old are you?"
"16." I lied
Then he sped off.  I got to my friend's house about 30 seconds later and told her and her mom about it and I just kind of laughed it off, not thinking it was a big deal.  I don't know why I lied and said I was 16...I think it was because there was something in my mind pushing me to not say my real age...which was 13 or 14.  I found out later that my friend's mom called my parents and they called the police. That scared me. That night my family and I were eating dinner on our screened-in porch out in the back and a police officer just walked in.  Apparently when he came to ask me questions our front door was open and was about to draw his gun.  So he asked me questions and I gave him answers. He asked me if I got the license plate number and I said No.  I felt really dumb after that because that would have been the smart thing to do.

I wonder what would have happened if I had said/been 18.  At the time, and even a few years after, I didn't understand the big deal.  Why did they have to call the cops. But now I know. If that ever happened to my daughter I would have been really concerned.
Did he have to use that word? "Beautiful"?
I usually don't think back to this event when I hear that word, but if I do, the word almost repulses me. Is that weird? Probably not.

Well that was a decent tanget. I'm hoping to do more of these this summer. No one reads them anyway, but this is more for me than for anyone else.


I feel emo. Lonely and sad-ish and genuinely tired.

Girls are Sluts

Last night in the dorms at 2:30ish, I heard a bunch of guys coming back from their clearly epic Friday night.  They were all clearly drunk, and yelling towards each other. Naturally, I tried to hear what they were saying and the first thing I heard out of one of their mouths was "She's a f***ing faggot!!".

Really dude? Or are you just pissed that she did something that you didn't like? Anyway, so amidst all of the yelling and testosterone, one of them moves everyone to a dorm room to compress it all.  Even though my window was only cracked, I could still faintly hear them yelling at each other.  All of a sudden, a chick yells out her window, "Shut the f*** up!!".  As if by instinct, they responded.

"You shut the f*** up, whore!"

Eventually, both parties shut up for the most part.  It was not until about 30 minutes later that the testosterone-ridden guys came tromping through the halls again, banging on doors and walls, and yelling and cursing about things that aren't even curse-worthy (i.e."Where the f*** is my sweatshirt?!").  The focus seemed to then turn to another person of the male gender that had done something wrong.  Luckily for me, the main guy decided it was a good idea to go "kill him" and his other friends took off after him trying to change his mind.

The thing that kind of stuck with me was how they talked about/to these girls.  I hear it all the time, especially in the college atmosphere...a girl that does something- anything- wrong is the equivalent to a slut, a bitch, a whore, a tramp, or some other general sexual insult.  As a girl, I just don't understand where that comes from.  Is it because they see on TV or movies that a man in "power" can call a girl anything he desires?  I'd bet that 85% of the time a girl is called a slut, she hasn't done anything that would put her in that category.  Yet I hear it on a daily basis.  And it's definitely not just guys.

Although I have to admit it sounds worse to me when a guy says it...I'm not sure if that's me being a girl, or me being on the side where men respect women.

That's another thing...I never referred to these people as men or women.  Unfortunately they're at the age where most would refer to them as such, but there's no way I would call any of those guys "men".

I guess there wasn't much of a point to this aside from the fact that I don't really understand why that is the common insult for males to females.


Alright, enough of a ramble. I'm determined to buckle down for the rest of this semester.

Dear 10-Year-Old Brianna...

Dear 10-Year-Old Brianna,

There are so many differences between you and me.  I wish I could say I am as happy as you are, but it's alright because at least I remember being you and having that feeling.  There are some things that I wish I could go back and change, like not dating that boy, or picking another major, or taking chances that I didn't take.  But then I would exist as I am would I? You are adorable, whether you'd like to believe it or not (the latter I'd assume) and you will go far.  WE will go far.  There's so much to experience in just a matter of 10 years and you will both love and hate the things that await you.  What you should know is that the world won't stop turning. I know it will be hard for you to remember that, because it's hard for me to remember that.  Be excited about the future. I know even at 10 years old you don't want to grow up and 10 years down the road you'll say the same thing sometimes, but let yourself have the change of heart because there's so much more than the first 20 years of your life.  You WILL get to wear cute clothes at some point without having to offend Mom, and while you may not become comfortable with yourself and your physical appearance, others will let you know what they think of you.  Even better, you'll grow into your body and learn to let it go more.  You'll get braces, go through therapy, pass your driving test, and begin college at a great school in your future.  Even with all the sucky things that happen to you, you'll have people there with you every step of the way.  Enjoy where you are now, because you are a very lucky 10 year old with a lot of friends and a family that cares about you.  Just know that whatever your choices are, you won't make the "wrong" one.  Everything will turn out in the end.

Love,
20-Year-Old Brianna

Epiphany

I was reading through my blog and noticed how depressing and selfish and whiny it comes across. Yuck!  I guess part of that is just how I write, but I could probably also be a little better about that.

Just a recap of life since the last time I blogged:


This semester was beast for me.  My first semester where my GPA was above a 3.0, and I felt good about it.  Not phenomenal, cause I always want to do better, but very satisfied (in a good way) with how it went. Hopefully it's up from here and I'm looking forward to next semester.


Christmas Eve with my family was nice, even with the drama that happens.  My family just got back from visiting with my mom's family in Seattle which was exhausting.  I don't think I know one person on that side of the family who is not depressed (except for some of the kids my age [aka second cousins]).  So that was hard.  My aunt is in rehab for alcoholism and we visited with her twice. It was nice to see her, but way overwhelming to be there...we had to go to a 2 hour class on Tuesday in order to visit with her for half an hour so we did that and the session was about Enabling.


There's also immediately family drama with my sister's depression and social struggles and that's really taking a toll on my family.  I hate that I'm not here to be supportive or helpful or whatever during most of the year (even though I know I probably shouldn't feel guilty about that) and even if I'm included while I'm away, it's only a little bit.  There's definitely a huge weight on my parents' and sister's shoulders.

Avery is coming to visit this weekend and then a few more days until it's back to school. ::sigh:: This break went by pretty quickly.

I'm not sure what this blog is about.  I watched "The Switch" today...or is it called "The Swap"...? Anyway, it's a movie with Jennifer Aniston and she hasn't found a boo, but she really wants a kid and so she gets a sperm donor.  Her [man] best friend gets drunk at her "I'm getting pregnant!" Party and is pretty much denying to himself that he's in love with her even though they dated once upon a time (surprise!).  So he switches out the donor's "ingredient" for his own and seven years pass and he meets the kid blah blah blah.  Of course it ends up with a happy ending [she got with the donor midway through the movie but the kid hated him and the man friend didn't tell her that he switched or swapped until the end of the movie where she was in love with him too (surprise!) and the his kid loved him and everyone was great].

I always feel like I'm rushing the family thing.  Not the marriage thing, but the kids thing.  I really want a baby, but I know I need to finish school and get a job and have a plan if I want what's best for my kid(s).  But when I see movies like this or (some) families in the airport, they look so happy and I want that happiness.  Maybe this is me feeling ready to really "leave the nest" finally and feel responsible.  But that's where it's a little fuzzy, I want to have a family but I don't know if some of that want comes from lack of happiness or just truly being what I want.  Hmmmm...that's not what I mean (but I left it in there so I wouldn't say it again)...I'm trying to figure out how to explain it.  I don't want my wanting a family to be because of my maternal instincts or because you're "supposed" to have a family and it's getting towards that time, I want to want a family because it will make me happy and it's the right thing for me.

Just thinking about this now makes me question why I'm questioning it in the first place.  A family will make me happy someday (hopefully sometime within the next 8-10ish years) and I know that's what I'm meant to do...bring a person, or people, into the world and let them contribute to the world and love and feel and think.

Wow, that emotion just now was so sure.  I love it! I know that was God taking over.  I hate to say it, but sometimes I question Him (not His existence) and things that the Bible says.  Not because I don't believe that there is a God, but because I just don't understand everything that goes along with Him.  Anyway, aside from all of that, my point is that I have a strong feeling that that is one of my main purposes in life...to be a spouse and mother.  Also, this is not meant to freak you out babe if you read this...I'm looking a few years into the future.


This is an exciting epiphany! Thank you, "thinking time", for helping me come to this!

I actually feel really good thinking about this right now.