Defeated

You know how I always talk about how weird I feel?  It's one of those times.

I know it's a bad weird.

My stomach is churning, my heart is racing, and I feel nervous and sad and anxious for no reason.  Crying without a reason is a pretty rare occasion for me but that's what tonight is looking towards. The more I try to understand why I'm feeling how I feel, the more sad I get.  It's like a battle I can't win and my heart is physically hurting again. 

For some reason I my brain keeps shouting the idea at me that I'm sinking into everything...blending into my surroundings.  I'm not sure if I even really understand what that means.  Maybe that I want to feel invisible?  Or maybe that I don't want to be?  I don't know if that's it.

Why is it that at this very instant I feel the most insignificant and defeated as I've ever felt?  There's nothing that even sparked this.  Everything was cool...today was not too hectic, but now...

Now I feel afraid.  Mostly of myself.  That's one of the most bizarre feelings...being afraid of oneself.  But I am...I feel like if I was standing on a bridge right now I would legitimately jump.  Without much hesitation.  I'm afraid because I don't know what snapped.  Something obvoiusly sparked whatever I'm feeling right now.  I'm scared because I can't express what's happening or what I'm thinking.  Inside my head is mostly blurry with a few clear things screaming at me.  It's so sick.

I don't want to be in this world right now.  I want to float somewhere where it doesn't matter if I'm there or not.  Where I don't have to breathe or eat or be awake or aware.  Where tiny pieces of pain are simply reminders that I still exist in some way.  I don't know why I want pain to tell me I exist.

I don't know what I want specifically.  I want to feel normal but I don't know how that's achieved.

I am frustrated and sad and defeated.

Defeated defeated defeated.