Wednesday, December 29, 2010


I was reading through my blog and noticed how depressing and selfish and whiny it comes across. Yuck!  I guess part of that is just how I write, but I could probably also be a little better about that.

Just a recap of life since the last time I blogged:

This semester was beast for me.  My first semester where my GPA was above a 3.0, and I felt good about it.  Not phenomenal, cause I always want to do better, but very satisfied (in a good way) with how it went. Hopefully it's up from here and I'm looking forward to next semester.

Christmas Eve with my family was nice, even with the drama that happens.  My family just got back from visiting with my mom's family in Seattle which was exhausting.  I don't think I know one person on that side of the family who is not depressed (except for some of the kids my age [aka second cousins]).  So that was hard.  My aunt is in rehab for alcoholism and we visited with her twice. It was nice to see her, but way overwhelming to be there...we had to go to a 2 hour class on Tuesday in order to visit with her for half an hour so we did that and the session was about Enabling.

There's also immediately family drama with my sister's depression and social struggles and that's really taking a toll on my family.  I hate that I'm not here to be supportive or helpful or whatever during most of the year (even though I know I probably shouldn't feel guilty about that) and even if I'm included while I'm away, it's only a little bit.  There's definitely a huge weight on my parents' and sister's shoulders.

Avery is coming to visit this weekend and then a few more days until it's back to school. ::sigh:: This break went by pretty quickly.

I'm not sure what this blog is about.  I watched "The Switch" today...or is it called "The Swap"...? Anyway, it's a movie with Jennifer Aniston and she hasn't found a boo, but she really wants a kid and so she gets a sperm donor.  Her [man] best friend gets drunk at her "I'm getting pregnant!" Party and is pretty much denying to himself that he's in love with her even though they dated once upon a time (surprise!).  So he switches out the donor's "ingredient" for his own and seven years pass and he meets the kid blah blah blah.  Of course it ends up with a happy ending [she got with the donor midway through the movie but the kid hated him and the man friend didn't tell her that he switched or swapped until the end of the movie where she was in love with him too (surprise!) and the his kid loved him and everyone was great].

I always feel like I'm rushing the family thing.  Not the marriage thing, but the kids thing.  I really want a baby, but I know I need to finish school and get a job and have a plan if I want what's best for my kid(s).  But when I see movies like this or (some) families in the airport, they look so happy and I want that happiness.  Maybe this is me feeling ready to really "leave the nest" finally and feel responsible.  But that's where it's a little fuzzy, I want to have a family but I don't know if some of that want comes from lack of happiness or just truly being what I want.  Hmmmm...that's not what I mean (but I left it in there so I wouldn't say it again)...I'm trying to figure out how to explain it.  I don't want my wanting a family to be because of my maternal instincts or because you're "supposed" to have a family and it's getting towards that time, I want to want a family because it will make me happy and it's the right thing for me.

Just thinking about this now makes me question why I'm questioning it in the first place.  A family will make me happy someday (hopefully sometime within the next 8-10ish years) and I know that's what I'm meant to do...bring a person, or people, into the world and let them contribute to the world and love and feel and think.

Wow, that emotion just now was so sure.  I love it! I know that was God taking over.  I hate to say it, but sometimes I question Him (not His existence) and things that the Bible says.  Not because I don't believe that there is a God, but because I just don't understand everything that goes along with Him.  Anyway, aside from all of that, my point is that I have a strong feeling that that is one of my main purposes in be a spouse and mother.  Also, this is not meant to freak you out babe if you read this...I'm looking a few years into the future.

This is an exciting epiphany! Thank you, "thinking time", for helping me come to this!

I actually feel really good thinking about this right now.