Monday, January 11, 2010

Empty Room

Yesterday I walked into my dorm and was immediately hit with two overwhelming emotions.

The first was that I don't have a new roommate...yay!

I think?

I was happy that I didn't have to meet anyone new or have to get into the swing of things with everything in that circumstance. But I also didn't want to come home to an empty room.
But I did.

Hence my second emotion which was how much I missed my old roommate. I could not have asked for a better freshman experience and a huge part of that was due to randomly being paired with the best roommate anyone could ask for. She became one of my best friends and part of my PSU family.

I'm so glad to be back, especially since I'm with my best friend/hubby, but I feel bad when I have such a depressed attitude with everything. I'm not good with change. And that's what this entire semester (at least the beginning of it) is all about.

How unfortunate.

I guess it will make me stronger and all that....blah, blah, blah. But I feel like I'm emotionally unstable and that I can't deal with this. I legit just am in my room looking at my roommate's completely empty side and it physically hurts. Our room used to have so much more color and personality and now half of it is just empty.

Definitely more of a rant than anything, but its ok. Life will go on.

The end

Friday, January 8, 2010

Growing Up

The other day when I was at work with my mom, her boss (who I've known for years...we're not tight but she and her husband came to my graduation party, etc.) pulled out one of my senior pictures.

Holding the picture next to my face, she said to my mom, "Look at how her face has matured. Even though it hasn't been that long since this was taken, look at how much she's changed. She's beautiful."

Needless to say I felt really awkward and I'm sure my face turned a bright shade of red. Of course she meant it as a compliment and I hadn't really noticed the difference (and still can't truly see it) until she pointed it out.

I'm growing up.

Obviously I always have been, but some of the biggest changes of my life are happening around this time. in the next few years I'll be on my own. That transition process has already begun. And so far in this life altering transitions, I think I've done very well. But I've never been abe to cope with the fact that I have to grow up.

I still stand by what I've said for years...I don't want to grow up. There is nothing like being a kid and being carefree (although at the time your biggest worry was about who kissed who on the playground). It's not that I don't want to take responsibility for myself or I don't want to help the community or world. But I was happy when I was a kid. The world was mine. I had the chance to explore whatever I wanted to. I went through ballet, piano, voice, soccer, basketball, skiing, and other stuff. Now I'm kind of stuck. And this is supposed to be the best time of your life. I'm not saying I haven't had great experiences in my college career so far, but it's at the time where you're forced to choose a path.

I don't want to have to go through the mistakes of adolescence. I want to know what's best for me. Or not have to know what's best for me.

And I always want time to slow down. I remember wanting it to speed up when I was like, 8 years old. But even in high school I was terrified of the speedy movement of time. And I know that I'm going to blink and be graduating.

Blink. Marriage. Blink. Home owner. Blink. Children.

I'm still a child. OK, not a child maybe, but an adolescent definately. I don't think I can do it. I know my life will fall where it should but I really just want to go back to childhood. Growing up offers so many fantastic additions to life and I truly am looking forward to them but at the same time I just want everything to stop. I like being a teenager and I know I'm going to love my 20's. But...there's always the "but"...

I guess overall I'm just scared.

Time to take a deep breath and suck it up.