Thursday, February 11, 2010


So a day or two ago when my best friend was out with his fellow sociology people, something hit me.

I felt the most alone I've ever felt.

More alone than over the summer, more alone than when I spent the weekend by myself when my roommate was away, literally more alone than ever. But not only did I feel alone, I was actually upset. I immediately got frustrated with myself for feeling like this when he was out being with people who he could have good discussions and a fun time with. He, out of everyone I know, is the most deserving of time away from me seeing as I spend as much time as I have outside of class with him.

Anyway, I realized how attached I get to people. Well, people and situations and schedules, etc. I was/am attached to my Pennypacker room, I'm overly attached to my car, I'm attached to Penn State, and I'm attached to him. Now, I think it's perfectly acceptable to be attached to things, but in a healthy way. The way I'm attached to some of this stuff is definitely not healthy. Crying over being away from school when my life is perfectly fine away from it is just too much. Being jealous or whatever that feeling was when my best friend/boyfriend finds a new group of people that he connects with and is away from me for slightly longer than usual is really not ok. So why did it upset me? My best guess of why is because I felt disconnected. And I don't know how to not feel this way. I don't know how to stop getting attached to things...even something as simple as my schedule for spring 09. The only option I feel like I have is just not connecting with people and participating in less activities. This will force me to not miss things as much when I'm away from them or be overbearing to others. But I don't want to lose those connections. I refuse to let them go. I find happiness in my structure and organizational patterns, and relationships with other people. So what now?

I don't even know how to work on this one.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Changing or Lack Thereof

I'm beginning to realize things about myself. I don't want it to sound bad like I'm trying to change myself, but I guess I am. Or, I'm trying to better myself. How's that?

I've been very self aware lately. Which isn't necessarily a good thing, because I want to perfect myself and that's not really possible. But I'm working on improving my academic habits, my whining, and my ignorance to the outside world.

Maybe you noticed that I didn't really put the anxiety thing in there.

I am working on it. Really. I just came to some kind of understanding of why it's hard for me to make changes with it. I think it's because I am not the one who takes initiative with it. Well, ok, that's not true, it's not really about taking initiative as much as it is actively exercising what I learn in there. But that's the whole issue. I'm hearing things that are obvious to me. Things that I already know I should be doing. And maybe I've tried them before. Ok, I'll try again, but still it bothers me that they give me "tasks" as if I have not already thought about doing that or actively pursued that activity.

But I digress. Not that I have much to say about bettering myself besides the fact that I'm attempting to do so. It's good I guess. I wish I could say that I was doing it for myself. In a way I am, I suppose, but a lot is for others. For example, the whining thing. I've always noticed I do it, and it's almost involuntary, but my point is that no one wants to be whiney. And no one wants a whiner.

Wow, you know what I just realized?

My thought proccess: bettering myself for other people >> doing things for other people >> doing things for me >> not doing things for me

I don't do anything for me. I'm not saying I don't take care of myself...I mean, sometimes I do. But I'm not participating in anything because I want to. I'm in NSBE, and, yeah, it's pretty much my baby, but I'm not singing or doing colorguard or being in a musical or anything else that I want to do. If I had it my way, I would be in all of those activities. Or at least one. But, oh darn, my engineering classes are in the way of the only time University Choir is offered. Sucks. I like engineering, don't get me wrong. I like math, usually, and I like physics when I can apply it, and of course I like doing projects and building and modeling. But I don't love it. I'm doing it for success, stability, and so I have options when I graduate.

But really, the fact that I don't love what I'm bothers me. And the fact that it was my decision that put me here. I could've gotten into the school of music with no problem. All County and All District Choir from 5th-12th grade, All State Choir for the only two years I was eligable, and voice lessons for 6 consecutive years. I was set. And I loved it...well, I still do. Now I feel like I'm regretting being where I am with engineering. I'm struggling to stay above the surface with a pathetic GPA of 2.39 and hating some of my classes. I've had several nights already this semester where I'm so frustrated with my homework that I cry over it because the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness gathers inside me. It shouldn't be like that. I only have one life and it should be spent doing what I love.

That makes sense, even to me.

It's all kind of twisted really.

Ah well, time to go back to what's real life.