Thursday, February 11, 2010
So a day or two ago when my best friend was out with his fellow sociology people, something hit me.
I felt the most alone I've ever felt.
More alone than over the summer, more alone than when I spent the weekend by myself when my roommate was away, literally more alone than ever. But not only did I feel alone, I was actually upset. I immediately got frustrated with myself for feeling like this when he was out being with people who he could have good discussions and a fun time with. He, out of everyone I know, is the most deserving of time away from me seeing as I spend as much time as I have outside of class with him.
Anyway, I realized how attached I get to people. Well, people and situations and schedules, etc. I was/am attached to my Pennypacker room, I'm overly attached to my car, I'm attached to Penn State, and I'm attached to him. Now, I think it's perfectly acceptable to be attached to things, but in a healthy way. The way I'm attached to some of this stuff is definitely not healthy. Crying over being away from school when my life is perfectly fine away from it is just too much. Being jealous or whatever that feeling was when my best friend/boyfriend finds a new group of people that he connects with and is away from me for slightly longer than usual is really not ok. So why did it upset me? My best guess of why is because I felt disconnected. And I don't know how to not feel this way. I don't know how to stop getting attached to things...even something as simple as my schedule for spring 09. The only option I feel like I have is just not connecting with people and participating in less activities. This will force me to not miss things as much when I'm away from them or be overbearing to others. But I don't want to lose those connections. I refuse to let them go. I find happiness in my structure and organizational patterns, and relationships with other people. So what now?
I don't even know how to work on this one.