Sunday, June 13, 2010

Every Now and then I Feel a Little Bit Terrified

I'm going to let the fingers just take over and let them connect to my brain.

I want to leave here. I feel as though I've matured past my friends at home in certain ways.  People here are so terribly concerned with what other people think and it really irritates me. I may be giving myself way too much credit, but I've learned so much about letting other people handle themselves since I've been to school. Something as little as not making a facebook event private and getting a comment about it brought me to this awareness of the "shallow" thinking that happens sometimes. Let people take control over their business.  If they're offended because of a public facebook event, then they may have some deeper things to sort out. (Yes, I realize this was a side rant)

My family is "fractured". Well that's what my dad says. It sounds more serious than I want it to though.  We're going to therapy this coming week sometime. They say we should go at least once while I'm home. I just hope it doesn't make things worse. I'm always the big sister. I've never been able to go to my older sister for advice or anything and as little of a thing as it may be, it bothers me. I love her and I want to help her succeed, literally in any way that I can. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to take care of her when we get to be older and I really want to be engulfed in my life.  Is that bad? I feel like I'm just floating through life right now, and not in a good way.

I guess overall I've just been feeling so overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts and desperation to fix things. When I feel like this it brings back memories of high school when hurting myself was the best relief I could get. What started as self-punishment turned into something that reminded me of mortality and physical feeling. It may sound over the top but I still understand why I did it. I just want to get out of here so bad. I want to be around people who don't judge me and won't get their feelings hurt when I say what I'm thinking or just lay things out and am completely real with them. I want to leave.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

She's Superwoman

I don't know what's happening to me.

I’m tired of feeling this way. I keep thinking “If only I had the body, I would have one less worry. One less massive worry…” My stomach is freaking huge. Today certainly wasn’t the first time I hated looking at myself, but things just seemed to pop more than they have in the past. Thunder thighs, huge pores, the neck pouch, the waist, even the boobs. Ugh.

I want to be pretty. Hot. Sexy. Whatever. I want my boyfriend to be able to mean it when he compliments me and not have to tiptoe around my ridiculously sensitive feelings. I want to be a good role model for those younger than myself. How am I supposed to do that with the way I see myself?

I think I used to pretend that I was more okay with myself. That's the main thing I think. I want to be able to see myself as pretty. Or at least somewhat satisfying to look at. I'm sick of pretending that I like myself. And this is just physically...we won't even get started on my personality.

I was happy that I lost weight, but I didn't look any different. I'd like to pretend that I have an hourglass figure, but I don't. Sure, ultimately this argument could go to "well who's to say what's pretty?" and my response without diving too much in depth is that I want to be attractive. Males are attracted to females in certain physical ways, they way they walk, their complexion (also an "ew" on me), their physique.

All my friends are perfect. Flat stomachs, proportioned bodies, perky boobs, long legs, nice butts, pretty faces...and my boo. He's gorgeous too even if he does try and contradict me. I'm the outsider looking in at near perfection. I would settle for less.

I just want to like myself.