Thursday, June 3, 2010
I’m tired of feeling this way. I keep thinking “If only I had the body, I would have one less worry. One less massive worry…” My stomach is freaking huge. Today certainly wasn’t the first time I hated looking at myself, but things just seemed to pop more than they have in the past. Thunder thighs, huge pores, the neck pouch, the waist, even the boobs. Ugh.
I want to be pretty. Hot. Sexy. Whatever. I want my boyfriend to be able to mean it when he compliments me and not have to tiptoe around my ridiculously sensitive feelings. I want to be a good role model for those younger than myself. How am I supposed to do that with the way I see myself?
I think I used to pretend that I was more okay with myself. That's the main thing I think. I want to be able to see myself as pretty. Or at least somewhat satisfying to look at. I'm sick of pretending that I like myself. And this is just physically...we won't even get started on my personality.
I was happy that I lost weight, but I didn't look any different. I'd like to pretend that I have an hourglass figure, but I don't. Sure, ultimately this argument could go to "well who's to say what's pretty?" and my response without diving too much in depth is that I want to be attractive. Males are attracted to females in certain physical ways, they way they walk, their complexion (also an "ew" on me), their physique.
All my friends are perfect. Flat stomachs, proportioned bodies, perky boobs, long legs, nice butts, pretty faces...and my boo. He's gorgeous too even if he does try and contradict me. I'm the outsider looking in at near perfection. I would settle for less.
I just want to like myself.