Sunday, June 13, 2010

Every Now and then I Feel a Little Bit Terrified

I'm going to let the fingers just take over and let them connect to my brain.

I want to leave here. I feel as though I've matured past my friends at home in certain ways.  People here are so terribly concerned with what other people think and it really irritates me. I may be giving myself way too much credit, but I've learned so much about letting other people handle themselves since I've been to school. Something as little as not making a facebook event private and getting a comment about it brought me to this awareness of the "shallow" thinking that happens sometimes. Let people take control over their business.  If they're offended because of a public facebook event, then they may have some deeper things to sort out. (Yes, I realize this was a side rant)

My family is "fractured". Well that's what my dad says. It sounds more serious than I want it to though.  We're going to therapy this coming week sometime. They say we should go at least once while I'm home. I just hope it doesn't make things worse. I'm always the big sister. I've never been able to go to my older sister for advice or anything and as little of a thing as it may be, it bothers me. I love her and I want to help her succeed, literally in any way that I can. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to take care of her when we get to be older and I really want to be engulfed in my life.  Is that bad? I feel like I'm just floating through life right now, and not in a good way.

I guess overall I've just been feeling so overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts and desperation to fix things. When I feel like this it brings back memories of high school when hurting myself was the best relief I could get. What started as self-punishment turned into something that reminded me of mortality and physical feeling. It may sound over the top but I still understand why I did it. I just want to get out of here so bad. I want to be around people who don't judge me and won't get their feelings hurt when I say what I'm thinking or just lay things out and am completely real with them. I want to leave.

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