Monday, February 1, 2010

Changing or Lack Thereof

I'm beginning to realize things about myself. I don't want it to sound bad like I'm trying to change myself, but I guess I am. Or, I'm trying to better myself. How's that?

I've been very self aware lately. Which isn't necessarily a good thing, because I want to perfect myself and that's not really possible. But I'm working on improving my academic habits, my whining, and my ignorance to the outside world.

Maybe you noticed that I didn't really put the anxiety thing in there.

I am working on it. Really. I just came to some kind of understanding of why it's hard for me to make changes with it. I think it's because I am not the one who takes initiative with it. Well, ok, that's not true, it's not really about taking initiative as much as it is actively exercising what I learn in there. But that's the whole issue. I'm hearing things that are obvious to me. Things that I already know I should be doing. And maybe I've tried them before. Ok, I'll try again, but still it bothers me that they give me "tasks" as if I have not already thought about doing that or actively pursued that activity.

But I digress. Not that I have much to say about bettering myself besides the fact that I'm attempting to do so. It's good I guess. I wish I could say that I was doing it for myself. In a way I am, I suppose, but a lot is for others. For example, the whining thing. I've always noticed I do it, and it's almost involuntary, but my point is that no one wants to be whiney. And no one wants a whiner.

Wow, you know what I just realized?

My thought proccess: bettering myself for other people >> doing things for other people >> doing things for me >> not doing things for me

I don't do anything for me. I'm not saying I don't take care of myself...I mean, sometimes I do. But I'm not participating in anything because I want to. I'm in NSBE, and, yeah, it's pretty much my baby, but I'm not singing or doing colorguard or being in a musical or anything else that I want to do. If I had it my way, I would be in all of those activities. Or at least one. But, oh darn, my engineering classes are in the way of the only time University Choir is offered. Sucks. I like engineering, don't get me wrong. I like math, usually, and I like physics when I can apply it, and of course I like doing projects and building and modeling. But I don't love it. I'm doing it for success, stability, and so I have options when I graduate.

But really, the fact that I don't love what I'm bothers me. And the fact that it was my decision that put me here. I could've gotten into the school of music with no problem. All County and All District Choir from 5th-12th grade, All State Choir for the only two years I was eligable, and voice lessons for 6 consecutive years. I was set. And I loved it...well, I still do. Now I feel like I'm regretting being where I am with engineering. I'm struggling to stay above the surface with a pathetic GPA of 2.39 and hating some of my classes. I've had several nights already this semester where I'm so frustrated with my homework that I cry over it because the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness gathers inside me. It shouldn't be like that. I only have one life and it should be spent doing what I love.

That makes sense, even to me.

It's all kind of twisted really.

Ah well, time to go back to what's real life.

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