Friday, January 8, 2010

Growing Up

The other day when I was at work with my mom, her boss (who I've known for years...we're not tight but she and her husband came to my graduation party, etc.) pulled out one of my senior pictures.

Holding the picture next to my face, she said to my mom, "Look at how her face has matured. Even though it hasn't been that long since this was taken, look at how much she's changed. She's beautiful."

Needless to say I felt really awkward and I'm sure my face turned a bright shade of red. Of course she meant it as a compliment and I hadn't really noticed the difference (and still can't truly see it) until she pointed it out.

I'm growing up.

Obviously I always have been, but some of the biggest changes of my life are happening around this time. in the next few years I'll be on my own. That transition process has already begun. And so far in this life altering transitions, I think I've done very well. But I've never been abe to cope with the fact that I have to grow up.

I still stand by what I've said for years...I don't want to grow up. There is nothing like being a kid and being carefree (although at the time your biggest worry was about who kissed who on the playground). It's not that I don't want to take responsibility for myself or I don't want to help the community or world. But I was happy when I was a kid. The world was mine. I had the chance to explore whatever I wanted to. I went through ballet, piano, voice, soccer, basketball, skiing, and other stuff. Now I'm kind of stuck. And this is supposed to be the best time of your life. I'm not saying I haven't had great experiences in my college career so far, but it's at the time where you're forced to choose a path.

I don't want to have to go through the mistakes of adolescence. I want to know what's best for me. Or not have to know what's best for me.

And I always want time to slow down. I remember wanting it to speed up when I was like, 8 years old. But even in high school I was terrified of the speedy movement of time. And I know that I'm going to blink and be graduating.

Blink. Marriage. Blink. Home owner. Blink. Children.

I'm still a child. OK, not a child maybe, but an adolescent definately. I don't think I can do it. I know my life will fall where it should but I really just want to go back to childhood. Growing up offers so many fantastic additions to life and I truly am looking forward to them but at the same time I just want everything to stop. I like being a teenager and I know I'm going to love my 20's. But...there's always the "but"...

I guess overall I'm just scared.

Time to take a deep breath and suck it up.


  1. yea your last sentence says what I was about to tell

  2. Very mature outlook for someone who thinks they are still a child. The fact that you see this and understand it speaks to your maturity.

    Seriously who isn't scared? Some of us just hide it better than others.


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