Sunday, July 1, 2012


I'm worried that I'm going back to the place that I was at two and a half years ago.  A place where I just feel crappy and sad and alone for no reason.  Today my mind felt jumbled again, and I haven't felt like that for quite awhile.

I don't really know what else to say about how I'm feeling. I just know that I'm tense and anxious and want to figure out what's going on.  I'm worried about the no longer feels...what's a good word?...comfortable.  I feel like at this time last year I just knew that things would work out and now I really don't know what's going to happen.  I don't know if I'll get into grad school or be successful of any of those things.  I guess before now I felt more certain and it's hard for me to accept that I don't know what's coming next.  Which indicates to me how much I like planning and routine.

I'm still dissatisfied with my body and myself in general. I can't take compliments from anyone.  One of my guy friends asked if I "still have a boyfriend?" to which I responded yes.  He said "Well I tried" and I reminded him that I really value his friendship and spending time with him and he responded "...I understand. Nonetheless, you're amazing."

I didn't know what to say to that. I don't often have people tell me that I'm amazing, and in the rare occasion that it happens I still don't agree with them. I don't feel sexy or fun or wantable and I don't understand how people can feel see me in that way either. It doesn't make sense.

What's wrong with me though?  It's hard for me to believe that someone wants to be with me or even just spend time with me.  Or that people care about me. Why? What have I ever done that's good?  I hate this feeling.  A lot.

Well this blog got off course quickly....


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