Friday, November 27, 2009

When Will I Begin To Live Again?

Alright, I don't even care. I feel like talking. I don't know about what but I'm just going to let my fingers type whatever they want and we'll see what we come up with.

So. I don't even know me. Not really at least. Like I'm trying to pry myself open and have more self-discovery, but so far it's not even really working. Whatever, maybe it just needs more time. I'm freaking sick of being emotional. Like really, it's pissing me off. Which just makes me even more emotional. And I hate that other people are being dragged along in the meantime. That actually hurts me. And it hurts me whenever other people hurt. Like, even bad people. I'd give my life for anyone. Which a lot of people look at as some kind of insane idea, but really, I don't see it as that. Of course, giving my life for someone I love holds a lot higher meaning and sentimental value than for someone I don't even know, but whatever. I feel like I cause stress and hurt to people. I hate it. But screw it, it shouldn't be all about what I feel. And maybe that's my problem. I try to take into consideration what other people are feeling and thinking but maybe I just suck at it.

My mind feels full. I don't know what it's full of but I know it's scary and cluttered and when I try to step back and look at everything, my heart physically beats faster and my head hurts. And I scare myself all the time. It isn't good...I know it isn't. It's so weird to contemplate death. As much as I'm afraid of it, I feel like it's a release from everything bad. And that makes me afraid that I think like that sometimes, although I feel like most people do. I'm not contemplating suicide or anything, relax...I'm just thinking of death itself. Sometimes I just want to give up, because I feel like I don't contribute to the world. Whatever, you may argue against that, but it's really how I feel. The world is so small and insignificant, and I'm even less significant. One out of several billion people is nothing. That's a speck of dirt in the mud. I hate admitting to this, but I feel worthless. A lot of the time. I know people aren't going to be reading this really, which is why I'm ok with putting that out there.

I'm frustrated now. Gah. Let's change topicssss...

Can I talk about my big brother please?
So, I met this boy last summer, as in a year and almost 6 months ago. I met him and we were cool, but not really that tight. Summer turned to fall and the actual semester started and our relationship really began to grow. But it wasn't until this year that we got as close as we are now. We've come to the conclusion that we can't even explain our relationship to other people because there truly is nothing like it. I mean, we argue over how much we like each other. It's really weird actually, and kind of hilarious. I know that he undoubtedly evokes more emotion out of me than anyone else I know. He frustrates me but I love him more than anything. He's the best friend I've ever had in my whole life's existence and he's an amazing person. Clearly I'm trying to justify how much my brother means to me, but, as I specified, there's no real way to do that sooo....yeah.

Speaking of friends...

Two of my best friends are going on co-op next semester. One is my roommate of 1.5 years and the other is the first person I met at school. I've had them by my side since the very beginning and they are both such incredible people. I'm thrilled for them, really, but at the same time I don't want them to leave. I'm terrified of having a new roommate after I got so spoiled with the one that's leaving. And trust me, I won't find another girl like the one I met my first day in State College.

This typing nonsense just made me so much more tense and frustrated. Which I don't think is the purpose but whatever, I'll live.


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