Defeated

You know how I always talk about how weird I feel?  It's one of those times.

I know it's a bad weird.

My stomach is churning, my heart is racing, and I feel nervous and sad and anxious for no reason.  Crying without a reason is a pretty rare occasion for me but that's what tonight is looking towards. The more I try to understand why I'm feeling how I feel, the more sad I get.  It's like a battle I can't win and my heart is physically hurting again. 

For some reason I my brain keeps shouting the idea at me that I'm sinking into everything...blending into my surroundings.  I'm not sure if I even really understand what that means.  Maybe that I want to feel invisible?  Or maybe that I don't want to be?  I don't know if that's it.

Why is it that at this very instant I feel the most insignificant and defeated as I've ever felt?  There's nothing that even sparked this.  Everything was cool...today was not too hectic, but now...

Now I feel afraid.  Mostly of myself.  That's one of the most bizarre feelings...being afraid of oneself.  But I am...I feel like if I was standing on a bridge right now I would legitimately jump.  Without much hesitation.  I'm afraid because I don't know what snapped.  Something obvoiusly sparked whatever I'm feeling right now.  I'm scared because I can't express what's happening or what I'm thinking.  Inside my head is mostly blurry with a few clear things screaming at me.  It's so sick.

I don't want to be in this world right now.  I want to float somewhere where it doesn't matter if I'm there or not.  Where I don't have to breathe or eat or be awake or aware.  Where tiny pieces of pain are simply reminders that I still exist in some way.  I don't know why I want pain to tell me I exist.

I don't know what I want specifically.  I want to feel normal but I don't know how that's achieved.

I am frustrated and sad and defeated.

Defeated defeated defeated.

A Mother

I had this dream last night.

I was a little older, in my mid-30s probably.  I couldn't see myself because I was looking through my eyes, but I saw my hubby and he was in no means old, but definitely oldER than where we're at now.  Anyway, he was the coach of some kind of team, or leading an event, or doing an activity with a class he was teaching.  I was sitting along one of the edges of a room and some older kids (either high school or college) were doing an activity with him in the middle of the room.  For some reason, I remember the color blue because I think they were all wearing bright blue robes or jerseys or whatever.

So I was sitting and watching and enjoying myself and all of a sudden three girls (aged about 9,12, and 17) walked in.  They were fairly light-skinned... about my complexion or a little darker, and they had beautiful hair and all three of them were absolutely gorgeous.  Still looking through my own eyes and still sitting down, each of them came over and hugged me and I asked them how their day was. I was their momma!!

I asked my second child if she had homework and she said a little bit and I asked her what she had to do.  She seemed hesitant to tell me but I pressed her a little and was like "it's ok, just tell me what project you've got".  She told me and I was like "I'll help you with it later if you want!" and smiled.  And she hugged me.

It was the BEST feeling ever...I wish I could explain it.  It was so realistic even though I knew it was a dream.  I was so happy and proud of my girls. The funny thing is that I don't even want girls...I want boys.  But obviously I'll be happy with whatever I end up having.

Anyhow, the activity was over and we got into our very nice car.  Ave was in the front and our oldest was shotgun.  I was in the back with the two little ones, and for some reason we went to a toy store.

That's all I really remember, but I just know that I was so happy.  And thinking about it now makes me happy.

Wow.

Ramble

I've been pretty self aware in the last week or two.  And most of it is realizing that I just need to back off on some stuff and let people do what they need (or want) to do.  I know that I need to remember that other people don't necessarily see things or think the way I do and that that's ok.  So, yeah trying to work on that...bear with me while I better myself.

I was also thinking about where I was at this time last year.  I was feeling a lot worse, that's for sure.  I know I'm still not where I want to be with all of this stuff but in comparison, I'm happy with things.  There's still a lot of anxiety, mostly about people I care about, but I don't feel as lost or down or sad for no reason.  Let's hope it stays that way.

I actually really miss my family.  They've visited once this semester, but I miss being at home with them more than I ever have.  Of course when I'm actually there, I miss my family here at school, but I know I can't have both all the time.

I'm becoming pretty aware of how old my grandparents really are. My maternal grandmother just turned 89 a few weeks ago, and while she's still going pretty well for her age, she's definitely slowing down and starting to become the bitter old woman stereotype.  My mom, dad, sister and I are going to see my paternal grandmother for Thanksgiving and my maternal grandparents during Christmas so I'll get a chance to see them again.  One thing I really want for my kids down the road is for them to be able to be with family as much as possible.  I never get the chance to see my cousins.  My dad's family lives in Colorado, and my mom's in Washington so my sister and I have never gotten that sense of family togetherness...at least with our extended family.  It always feels like we're the outsiders.

It's ok though, I love all of them anyway.

This post has been extremely random so far, and I thought I'd end on another random note.  Well I guess it's kind of going off what I was talking about before with how I'm feeling.  I'm still unhappy with how I look.  I've been trying to be open this year but all I seem to do is compare myself with other people.  And I know half the time it's unrealistic (like in a Victoria's Secret commercial).  I want to achieve the goal of being happy with my looks while I'm still young!  One thing that really bothers me though is the fact that I compare myself to other people.  I always like to think that people are beautiful how they are, but for some reason, I just can't take that into consideration myself.  It's not so much about what other people think, but the fact that I'M not happy with myself just kind of sucks.  And I'm not even sure about what exactly I'd change since I see so much wrong with everything.

A meaningless ramble I think, but I haven't blogged in awhile and I wanted to spill what I thought I had stuffed inside.