Monday, November 8, 2010


I've been pretty self aware in the last week or two.  And most of it is realizing that I just need to back off on some stuff and let people do what they need (or want) to do.  I know that I need to remember that other people don't necessarily see things or think the way I do and that that's ok.  So, yeah trying to work on that...bear with me while I better myself.

I was also thinking about where I was at this time last year.  I was feeling a lot worse, that's for sure.  I know I'm still not where I want to be with all of this stuff but in comparison, I'm happy with things.  There's still a lot of anxiety, mostly about people I care about, but I don't feel as lost or down or sad for no reason.  Let's hope it stays that way.

I actually really miss my family.  They've visited once this semester, but I miss being at home with them more than I ever have.  Of course when I'm actually there, I miss my family here at school, but I know I can't have both all the time.

I'm becoming pretty aware of how old my grandparents really are. My maternal grandmother just turned 89 a few weeks ago, and while she's still going pretty well for her age, she's definitely slowing down and starting to become the bitter old woman stereotype.  My mom, dad, sister and I are going to see my paternal grandmother for Thanksgiving and my maternal grandparents during Christmas so I'll get a chance to see them again.  One thing I really want for my kids down the road is for them to be able to be with family as much as possible.  I never get the chance to see my cousins.  My dad's family lives in Colorado, and my mom's in Washington so my sister and I have never gotten that sense of family least with our extended family.  It always feels like we're the outsiders.

It's ok though, I love all of them anyway.

This post has been extremely random so far, and I thought I'd end on another random note.  Well I guess it's kind of going off what I was talking about before with how I'm feeling.  I'm still unhappy with how I look.  I've been trying to be open this year but all I seem to do is compare myself with other people.  And I know half the time it's unrealistic (like in a Victoria's Secret commercial).  I want to achieve the goal of being happy with my looks while I'm still young!  One thing that really bothers me though is the fact that I compare myself to other people.  I always like to think that people are beautiful how they are, but for some reason, I just can't take that into consideration myself.  It's not so much about what other people think, but the fact that I'M not happy with myself just kind of sucks.  And I'm not even sure about what exactly I'd change since I see so much wrong with everything.

A meaningless ramble I think, but I haven't blogged in awhile and I wanted to spill what I thought I had stuffed inside.

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