Gloomy Sunday

I have so many things to say but I really don't know where to start.

I skipped my meeting with Cathie this morning. I just didn't want to talk to her. My mind is pretty cloudy and I wasn't feeling the hour-long Q&A about life when I don't even know what to say. I'm still kind of at that point, so this is probably mostly for my own benefit.

I think I'm just really furstrated with myself. I don't want to make other peoples' lives more difficult than they need to be and I feel like that's what I'm doing. And I honestly think I've felt that way even before I got here, but it's heightened. I'm a "people-pleaser" and I'm not always successful in doing so, but lately I though I was doing good as far as accepting that. But now, thinking about it more, I'm just not. I think I get so wrapped up in other stuff that a lot of times I don't realize how I'm acting or what I'm doing, and I can easily be doing more "harm" than good. It's not an excuse for doing stupid things, I think it just means that I need to take a step back and be constantly aware of what I'm saying and doing, or not doing.

Ultimately I make things harder for myself too. Well I think so. Cause like for this, I'm trying to better myself or whatever but can look back and see that I did the opposite. And the fact that I can't see it all the time to stop myself, or that people think I'm too delicate to handle what they think of me or what I do, really gets to me. And, please don't get frightened or upset, it legitimately makes me feel like the world would be better off without me. Again, not a suicide threat or anything, just a feeling floating around me.

I want to take care of people. I want them to be ok and happy and I want to help them achieve that good state of being. I'm in the mode where I feel like there's so much more wrong with me than right with me and it's weird.

And unpleasant.

One step forward and two steps back.

4

Fishbowl

I just read all of my previous blogs and have seen how much I've moved forward. Or tried. And now I feel like I don't have much to say

Except that I feel weird. I know I tell that to people a lot, and often it's different weirds. But now i just feel bad weird. I feel like I'm going back to where I was in November and December feeling-wise. I feel tense and worthless and, for the first time ever, uninterested. When I say that I mean in stuff I would normally be really enthusiastic about it. I want to go into the practice rooms with a piece of music and just go but then when I think about it I don't want to. That's never happened to me before. I'm afraid that I'm turning some kind of way because of not having a roommate. It might sound dumb and I honestly don't know what the change might be but I can feel it.

So over break my best friend and I had a very passionate discussion (I won't call it a dispute, cause I don't think it was) and he thinks we made some progress on me but I don't really think so. I may be wrong. He put it in really good words one time..."I think you just need to learn how to be alone, without being lonely".

So true.

I honestly think that's the biggest issue. Well and that I'm overly attached to one person.

I'm really really REALLY having an internal struggle with this issue because I don't know what to do with it. How to address it. And it affects other people and I don't particularly like that that happens.

Wrestling with myself legitimately makes me tired. And the fact that this is truly affecting my life really bothers me.

See, like now, I'm upset.

Short blog.

3

Men

Lately I've realized that most of the people I hang out with are guys and I've been learning a lot about their reactions and just how they function overall. All of it is intriguing to me because I grew up with one man in my family, and no nearby extended family to be surrounded by.

In this blog, I am not bashing men, nor am I putting women on a pedastal (because in all honesty, I don't like them, but that's another day). Just keep that in mind. And I'm not trying to be creepy.

Anyway, I've caught myself just watching and listening to them sometimes and I learn so much about the male "race". The main thing I saw was that when they are around each other just hanging out, they don't worry about anything. And that's of course being general, and not to say that they aren't worrying about something. But they can totally push their worrying aside when they're with their friends, as opposed to females who gossip and talk about who said what to who. And that, when you think about it, can lead to a lot of subconscious stress. Men do gossip. A lot actually. But they let it go and don't drag it around with them all the time. Which I think allows them a certain kind of freedom that women don't take for themselves.

I have also noticed that they never talk about their feelings with each other unless it's "Dude, I was so pissed off" or something along those lines. I know men tend to be less emotional than women, but what's the purpose of that? Is it because it's not "manly" or because if they do talk about it they become vulnerable? Interestingly enough, they're not as hesitant to talk about their emotions with females. I don't know if that's a tactic to earn trust or just to humor them, but if guys are, in fact, being genuine, then aren't they showing the same vulnerability. A lot of times people will talk about how girls dress to impress girls, not guys; I'm wondering, is this the same kind of situation where guys feel the need to seem more masculine in front of other guys and not so much in front of girls? I know that the majority of my guy friends are actually really sensitive and I guess I just wonder why they hide that.

Another random and little thing that they do is to almost never apologize to each other. It's funny because I see that they'll apologize to me sometimes and just be like "Aww I'm sorry" even if I'm not upset about something, but they don't do it amongst each other. I guess that's just part of letting things go right? Not related to this mannerism, I think all guys secretly (or not) want to be the "alpha male". Which might be true for both genders-that they want to be powerful in terms of gender.

Whatever, I know I'll continue paying attention to how they sit, walk, speak, stand, react, and everything else. I think by learning how men act, I can better relate to them, or at least understand why they do what they do sometimes, and I'll be less likely to be pissed at something they did. I feel confident in this method, because right now, I feel clueless.

Kbye.