Gloomy Sunday

I have so many things to say but I really don't know where to start.

I skipped my meeting with Cathie this morning. I just didn't want to talk to her. My mind is pretty cloudy and I wasn't feeling the hour-long Q&A about life when I don't even know what to say. I'm still kind of at that point, so this is probably mostly for my own benefit.

I think I'm just really furstrated with myself. I don't want to make other peoples' lives more difficult than they need to be and I feel like that's what I'm doing. And I honestly think I've felt that way even before I got here, but it's heightened. I'm a "people-pleaser" and I'm not always successful in doing so, but lately I though I was doing good as far as accepting that. But now, thinking about it more, I'm just not. I think I get so wrapped up in other stuff that a lot of times I don't realize how I'm acting or what I'm doing, and I can easily be doing more "harm" than good. It's not an excuse for doing stupid things, I think it just means that I need to take a step back and be constantly aware of what I'm saying and doing, or not doing.

Ultimately I make things harder for myself too. Well I think so. Cause like for this, I'm trying to better myself or whatever but can look back and see that I did the opposite. And the fact that I can't see it all the time to stop myself, or that people think I'm too delicate to handle what they think of me or what I do, really gets to me. And, please don't get frightened or upset, it legitimately makes me feel like the world would be better off without me. Again, not a suicide threat or anything, just a feeling floating around me.

I want to take care of people. I want them to be ok and happy and I want to help them achieve that good state of being. I'm in the mode where I feel like there's so much more wrong with me than right with me and it's weird.

And unpleasant.

One step forward and two steps back.

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