Girls are Sluts

Last night in the dorms at 2:30ish, I heard a bunch of guys coming back from their clearly epic Friday night.  They were all clearly drunk, and yelling towards each other. Naturally, I tried to hear what they were saying and the first thing I heard out of one of their mouths was "She's a f***ing faggot!!".

Really dude? Or are you just pissed that she did something that you didn't like? Anyway, so amidst all of the yelling and testosterone, one of them moves everyone to a dorm room to compress it all.  Even though my window was only cracked, I could still faintly hear them yelling at each other.  All of a sudden, a chick yells out her window, "Shut the f*** up!!".  As if by instinct, they responded.

"You shut the f*** up, whore!"

Eventually, both parties shut up for the most part.  It was not until about 30 minutes later that the testosterone-ridden guys came tromping through the halls again, banging on doors and walls, and yelling and cursing about things that aren't even curse-worthy (i.e."Where the f*** is my sweatshirt?!").  The focus seemed to then turn to another person of the male gender that had done something wrong.  Luckily for me, the main guy decided it was a good idea to go "kill him" and his other friends took off after him trying to change his mind.

The thing that kind of stuck with me was how they talked about/to these girls.  I hear it all the time, especially in the college atmosphere...a girl that does something- anything- wrong is the equivalent to a slut, a bitch, a whore, a tramp, or some other general sexual insult.  As a girl, I just don't understand where that comes from.  Is it because they see on TV or movies that a man in "power" can call a girl anything he desires?  I'd bet that 85% of the time a girl is called a slut, she hasn't done anything that would put her in that category.  Yet I hear it on a daily basis.  And it's definitely not just guys.

Although I have to admit it sounds worse to me when a guy says it...I'm not sure if that's me being a girl, or me being on the side where men respect women.

That's another thing...I never referred to these people as men or women.  Unfortunately they're at the age where most would refer to them as such, but there's no way I would call any of those guys "men".

I guess there wasn't much of a point to this aside from the fact that I don't really understand why that is the common insult for males to females.


Alright, enough of a ramble. I'm determined to buckle down for the rest of this semester.

Dear 10-Year-Old Brianna...

Dear 10-Year-Old Brianna,

There are so many differences between you and me.  I wish I could say I am as happy as you are, but it's alright because at least I remember being you and having that feeling.  There are some things that I wish I could go back and change, like not dating that boy, or picking another major, or taking chances that I didn't take.  But then I would exist as I am would I? You are adorable, whether you'd like to believe it or not (the latter I'd assume) and you will go far.  WE will go far.  There's so much to experience in just a matter of 10 years and you will both love and hate the things that await you.  What you should know is that the world won't stop turning. I know it will be hard for you to remember that, because it's hard for me to remember that.  Be excited about the future. I know even at 10 years old you don't want to grow up and 10 years down the road you'll say the same thing sometimes, but let yourself have the change of heart because there's so much more than the first 20 years of your life.  You WILL get to wear cute clothes at some point without having to offend Mom, and while you may not become comfortable with yourself and your physical appearance, others will let you know what they think of you.  Even better, you'll grow into your body and learn to let it go more.  You'll get braces, go through therapy, pass your driving test, and begin college at a great school in your future.  Even with all the sucky things that happen to you, you'll have people there with you every step of the way.  Enjoy where you are now, because you are a very lucky 10 year old with a lot of friends and a family that cares about you.  Just know that whatever your choices are, you won't make the "wrong" one.  Everything will turn out in the end.

Love,
20-Year-Old Brianna

Epiphany

I was reading through my blog and noticed how depressing and selfish and whiny it comes across. Yuck!  I guess part of that is just how I write, but I could probably also be a little better about that.

Just a recap of life since the last time I blogged:


This semester was beast for me.  My first semester where my GPA was above a 3.0, and I felt good about it.  Not phenomenal, cause I always want to do better, but very satisfied (in a good way) with how it went. Hopefully it's up from here and I'm looking forward to next semester.


Christmas Eve with my family was nice, even with the drama that happens.  My family just got back from visiting with my mom's family in Seattle which was exhausting.  I don't think I know one person on that side of the family who is not depressed (except for some of the kids my age [aka second cousins]).  So that was hard.  My aunt is in rehab for alcoholism and we visited with her twice. It was nice to see her, but way overwhelming to be there...we had to go to a 2 hour class on Tuesday in order to visit with her for half an hour so we did that and the session was about Enabling.


There's also immediately family drama with my sister's depression and social struggles and that's really taking a toll on my family.  I hate that I'm not here to be supportive or helpful or whatever during most of the year (even though I know I probably shouldn't feel guilty about that) and even if I'm included while I'm away, it's only a little bit.  There's definitely a huge weight on my parents' and sister's shoulders.

Avery is coming to visit this weekend and then a few more days until it's back to school. ::sigh:: This break went by pretty quickly.

I'm not sure what this blog is about.  I watched "The Switch" today...or is it called "The Swap"...? Anyway, it's a movie with Jennifer Aniston and she hasn't found a boo, but she really wants a kid and so she gets a sperm donor.  Her [man] best friend gets drunk at her "I'm getting pregnant!" Party and is pretty much denying to himself that he's in love with her even though they dated once upon a time (surprise!).  So he switches out the donor's "ingredient" for his own and seven years pass and he meets the kid blah blah blah.  Of course it ends up with a happy ending [she got with the donor midway through the movie but the kid hated him and the man friend didn't tell her that he switched or swapped until the end of the movie where she was in love with him too (surprise!) and the his kid loved him and everyone was great].

I always feel like I'm rushing the family thing.  Not the marriage thing, but the kids thing.  I really want a baby, but I know I need to finish school and get a job and have a plan if I want what's best for my kid(s).  But when I see movies like this or (some) families in the airport, they look so happy and I want that happiness.  Maybe this is me feeling ready to really "leave the nest" finally and feel responsible.  But that's where it's a little fuzzy, I want to have a family but I don't know if some of that want comes from lack of happiness or just truly being what I want.  Hmmmm...that's not what I mean (but I left it in there so I wouldn't say it again)...I'm trying to figure out how to explain it.  I don't want my wanting a family to be because of my maternal instincts or because you're "supposed" to have a family and it's getting towards that time, I want to want a family because it will make me happy and it's the right thing for me.

Just thinking about this now makes me question why I'm questioning it in the first place.  A family will make me happy someday (hopefully sometime within the next 8-10ish years) and I know that's what I'm meant to do...bring a person, or people, into the world and let them contribute to the world and love and feel and think.

Wow, that emotion just now was so sure.  I love it! I know that was God taking over.  I hate to say it, but sometimes I question Him (not His existence) and things that the Bible says.  Not because I don't believe that there is a God, but because I just don't understand everything that goes along with Him.  Anyway, aside from all of that, my point is that I have a strong feeling that that is one of my main purposes in life...to be a spouse and mother.  Also, this is not meant to freak you out babe if you read this...I'm looking a few years into the future.


This is an exciting epiphany! Thank you, "thinking time", for helping me come to this!

I actually feel really good thinking about this right now.

Defeated

You know how I always talk about how weird I feel?  It's one of those times.

I know it's a bad weird.

My stomach is churning, my heart is racing, and I feel nervous and sad and anxious for no reason.  Crying without a reason is a pretty rare occasion for me but that's what tonight is looking towards. The more I try to understand why I'm feeling how I feel, the more sad I get.  It's like a battle I can't win and my heart is physically hurting again. 

For some reason I my brain keeps shouting the idea at me that I'm sinking into everything...blending into my surroundings.  I'm not sure if I even really understand what that means.  Maybe that I want to feel invisible?  Or maybe that I don't want to be?  I don't know if that's it.

Why is it that at this very instant I feel the most insignificant and defeated as I've ever felt?  There's nothing that even sparked this.  Everything was cool...today was not too hectic, but now...

Now I feel afraid.  Mostly of myself.  That's one of the most bizarre feelings...being afraid of oneself.  But I am...I feel like if I was standing on a bridge right now I would legitimately jump.  Without much hesitation.  I'm afraid because I don't know what snapped.  Something obvoiusly sparked whatever I'm feeling right now.  I'm scared because I can't express what's happening or what I'm thinking.  Inside my head is mostly blurry with a few clear things screaming at me.  It's so sick.

I don't want to be in this world right now.  I want to float somewhere where it doesn't matter if I'm there or not.  Where I don't have to breathe or eat or be awake or aware.  Where tiny pieces of pain are simply reminders that I still exist in some way.  I don't know why I want pain to tell me I exist.

I don't know what I want specifically.  I want to feel normal but I don't know how that's achieved.

I am frustrated and sad and defeated.

Defeated defeated defeated.

A Mother

I had this dream last night.

I was a little older, in my mid-30s probably.  I couldn't see myself because I was looking through my eyes, but I saw my hubby and he was in no means old, but definitely oldER than where we're at now.  Anyway, he was the coach of some kind of team, or leading an event, or doing an activity with a class he was teaching.  I was sitting along one of the edges of a room and some older kids (either high school or college) were doing an activity with him in the middle of the room.  For some reason, I remember the color blue because I think they were all wearing bright blue robes or jerseys or whatever.

So I was sitting and watching and enjoying myself and all of a sudden three girls (aged about 9,12, and 17) walked in.  They were fairly light-skinned... about my complexion or a little darker, and they had beautiful hair and all three of them were absolutely gorgeous.  Still looking through my own eyes and still sitting down, each of them came over and hugged me and I asked them how their day was. I was their momma!!

I asked my second child if she had homework and she said a little bit and I asked her what she had to do.  She seemed hesitant to tell me but I pressed her a little and was like "it's ok, just tell me what project you've got".  She told me and I was like "I'll help you with it later if you want!" and smiled.  And she hugged me.

It was the BEST feeling ever...I wish I could explain it.  It was so realistic even though I knew it was a dream.  I was so happy and proud of my girls. The funny thing is that I don't even want girls...I want boys.  But obviously I'll be happy with whatever I end up having.

Anyhow, the activity was over and we got into our very nice car.  Ave was in the front and our oldest was shotgun.  I was in the back with the two little ones, and for some reason we went to a toy store.

That's all I really remember, but I just know that I was so happy.  And thinking about it now makes me happy.

Wow.

Ramble

I've been pretty self aware in the last week or two.  And most of it is realizing that I just need to back off on some stuff and let people do what they need (or want) to do.  I know that I need to remember that other people don't necessarily see things or think the way I do and that that's ok.  So, yeah trying to work on that...bear with me while I better myself.

I was also thinking about where I was at this time last year.  I was feeling a lot worse, that's for sure.  I know I'm still not where I want to be with all of this stuff but in comparison, I'm happy with things.  There's still a lot of anxiety, mostly about people I care about, but I don't feel as lost or down or sad for no reason.  Let's hope it stays that way.

I actually really miss my family.  They've visited once this semester, but I miss being at home with them more than I ever have.  Of course when I'm actually there, I miss my family here at school, but I know I can't have both all the time.

I'm becoming pretty aware of how old my grandparents really are. My maternal grandmother just turned 89 a few weeks ago, and while she's still going pretty well for her age, she's definitely slowing down and starting to become the bitter old woman stereotype.  My mom, dad, sister and I are going to see my paternal grandmother for Thanksgiving and my maternal grandparents during Christmas so I'll get a chance to see them again.  One thing I really want for my kids down the road is for them to be able to be with family as much as possible.  I never get the chance to see my cousins.  My dad's family lives in Colorado, and my mom's in Washington so my sister and I have never gotten that sense of family togetherness...at least with our extended family.  It always feels like we're the outsiders.

It's ok though, I love all of them anyway.

This post has been extremely random so far, and I thought I'd end on another random note.  Well I guess it's kind of going off what I was talking about before with how I'm feeling.  I'm still unhappy with how I look.  I've been trying to be open this year but all I seem to do is compare myself with other people.  And I know half the time it's unrealistic (like in a Victoria's Secret commercial).  I want to achieve the goal of being happy with my looks while I'm still young!  One thing that really bothers me though is the fact that I compare myself to other people.  I always like to think that people are beautiful how they are, but for some reason, I just can't take that into consideration myself.  It's not so much about what other people think, but the fact that I'M not happy with myself just kind of sucks.  And I'm not even sure about what exactly I'd change since I see so much wrong with everything.

A meaningless ramble I think, but I haven't blogged in awhile and I wanted to spill what I thought I had stuffed inside.

Shot

So I had this dream.



I don't remember how it started, but I know I was at some kind of family event in Nebraska.  It was weird though cause in the first part I do remember, there was no one around me. I was on the shore of a lake or large creek with a lot of trees around me and grass. I'm pretty sure the next part of the dream consisted of me talking to some people and mingling in a picnic area or something...

...


...then I was back at the shore.  Then my family was with me and we were kind of spread out in a square shape.  A blonde girl came and started talking to me. I don't remember what she was wearing or if it was a good conversation or not...I think I didn't like her, but I definitely wasn't afraid of her.

The next thing I know, she pulls out a gun and shoots my dad, then my mom. I remember being behind my sister. She shot my sister then tried to shoot me, grazing Kerstin's right shoulder in the process. Then she shot me in the left side of my abdomen. Then she ran.

I was wearing a dress with a white top part and a black skirt part. I remember falling and looking down seeing blood on the white fabric and feeling the pain. I remember for the rest of the dream the white part of my dress was all ripped up for some reason.

Anyway, I wasn't dead. I just felt it and kept looking down and still know exactly how it looked. Where it was darker red and where it was lighter. I remember at some point that I was looking at myself from above and saw myself sprawled out on the grass.

I don't remember much else of the dream except that I asked my mom why she did that and she said something along the lines of "Cause you're black". I've never had any blatantly discriminating behavior directed towards me so that was interesting to me.

Ugh, I feel sick now just thinking about it. My heart is racing. It felt real...I woke up and legitimately thought I had a been shot. The first thing I did when I woke up was feel my stomach and look at it.  I'm a paranoid person to begin with...always thinking people are out to snatch me or whatever, but this made it more intense.


I am afraid.