Every Now and then I Feel a Little Bit Terrified

I'm going to let the fingers just take over and let them connect to my brain.



I want to leave here. I feel as though I've matured past my friends at home in certain ways.  People here are so terribly concerned with what other people think and it really irritates me. I may be giving myself way too much credit, but I've learned so much about letting other people handle themselves since I've been to school. Something as little as not making a facebook event private and getting a comment about it brought me to this awareness of the "shallow" thinking that happens sometimes. Let people take control over their business.  If they're offended because of a public facebook event, then they may have some deeper things to sort out. (Yes, I realize this was a side rant)


My family is "fractured". Well that's what my dad says. It sounds more serious than I want it to though.  We're going to therapy this coming week sometime. They say we should go at least once while I'm home. I just hope it doesn't make things worse. I'm always the big sister. I've never been able to go to my older sister for advice or anything and as little of a thing as it may be, it bothers me. I love her and I want to help her succeed, literally in any way that I can. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to take care of her when we get to be older and I really want to be engulfed in my life.  Is that bad? I feel like I'm just floating through life right now, and not in a good way.


I guess overall I've just been feeling so overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts and desperation to fix things. When I feel like this it brings back memories of high school when hurting myself was the best relief I could get. What started as self-punishment turned into something that reminded me of mortality and physical feeling. It may sound over the top but I still understand why I did it. I just want to get out of here so bad. I want to be around people who don't judge me and won't get their feelings hurt when I say what I'm thinking or just lay things out and am completely real with them. I want to leave.

She's Superwoman

I don't know what's happening to me.

I’m tired of feeling this way. I keep thinking “If only I had the body, I would have one less worry. One less massive worry…” My stomach is freaking huge. Today certainly wasn’t the first time I hated looking at myself, but things just seemed to pop more than they have in the past. Thunder thighs, huge pores, the neck pouch, the waist, even the boobs. Ugh.

I want to be pretty. Hot. Sexy. Whatever. I want my boyfriend to be able to mean it when he compliments me and not have to tiptoe around my ridiculously sensitive feelings. I want to be a good role model for those younger than myself. How am I supposed to do that with the way I see myself?

I think I used to pretend that I was more okay with myself. That's the main thing I think. I want to be able to see myself as pretty. Or at least somewhat satisfying to look at. I'm sick of pretending that I like myself. And this is just physically...we won't even get started on my personality.

I was happy that I lost weight, but I didn't look any different. I'd like to pretend that I have an hourglass figure, but I don't. Sure, ultimately this argument could go to "well who's to say what's pretty?" and my response without diving too much in depth is that I want to be attractive. Males are attracted to females in certain physical ways, they way they walk, their complexion (also an "ew" on me), their physique.

All my friends are perfect. Flat stomachs, proportioned bodies, perky boobs, long legs, nice butts, pretty faces...and my boo. He's gorgeous too even if he does try and contradict me. I'm the outsider looking in at near perfection. I would settle for less.


I just want to like myself.





Fuck.

Moon River

Ok, so lately I've been unintentionally watching things that make me really excited and anxious for the future. It's turning overwhelming though actually. Like, I'll turn on the the TV and see Knocked Up or My Fair Wedding with David Tutera. I mean obviously it's not just those, but it's seeing people living what I'm expecting to live in the next ten years, maybe less.

I'm not trying to freak anyone out by this, it's really all of my anxiety for what I want out of life. Within the next decade I mean. I mean, my mom got married when she was 22 years old. 2. 2.  That's like, tomorrow! Ahhhh! I'm just in the mode where there is so much more to life than calculus and computer sciences and physics. I want to be at the point where I'm stable and I can plan my wedding. I want to plan the flowers, the venue, the guest list, the dress, the cake...everything. Even though I'm excited for planning it (haha) I'm even more excited to spend the rest of my life with someone. I'm not trying to rush it, I'll just be excited when it gets here...so I don't want it to be forever. Ugh I don't know if I'm making myself clear but whatever.

You know what else I'm excited for? Babies. That one I feel like I'm not as anxious for. I like being young, ready to have adventures whenever. I want to be able to travel and have fun with my husband and newly established life. I want to entertain friends with dinner parties and go out for lunch dates and be able to buy my friends nice things. But anyway...


I don't know. I feel oddly immersed in this world of non-academic life.  I'm almost ready to start this life and find my niche with family and friends behind me. It may sound cheesy, but 100% honest.

What do you think? Do you think it's too early to be thinking about stuff like this, or do you think it's good/healthy to be thinking about this? Do you ever think about it? Bah humbug.

Keep Holding On

This unit of Astro has made me feel ridiculously insignificant. And it makes me feel like I shouldn't worry as much.

But then it all goes away and I fall back to the reality of everything. I want to keep that feeling.

One thing I've been finding out about myself is that I really want to feel wanted. Not really in an "I need attention" sort of way. Just having the feeling that maybe someone will miss me when I don't see them.

I'm not seeing Cathie anymore...she says she thinks I've progressed and I just kind of went along with it and said "yeah". My disposition has been noticeably better than last semester, but I don't know that I actually feel better. Maybe I've been better at hiding it. I know I'm still not happy. And I know that's not ok. I'm clearly stressed. I can't really tell when it gets to that critical point until [forgive me if you get grossed out at this stuff] my period gets mad delayed and out of wack. Which it is. Fail.

I envy people who have the guts to do what they truly truly love.


I don't know how I'm feeling about leaving in two weeks. I'm excited to be done with classes but I don't want to go "home". I want to start real life. Except for not because I don't want to lose people.

Blah...I feel weird right now. It's not a good weird or a neutral weird, it's kind of a bad weird. And I can't put my finger on what it is that's causing it. Eh.

4.

Gloomy Sunday

I have so many things to say but I really don't know where to start.

I skipped my meeting with Cathie this morning. I just didn't want to talk to her. My mind is pretty cloudy and I wasn't feeling the hour-long Q&A about life when I don't even know what to say. I'm still kind of at that point, so this is probably mostly for my own benefit.

I think I'm just really furstrated with myself. I don't want to make other peoples' lives more difficult than they need to be and I feel like that's what I'm doing. And I honestly think I've felt that way even before I got here, but it's heightened. I'm a "people-pleaser" and I'm not always successful in doing so, but lately I though I was doing good as far as accepting that. But now, thinking about it more, I'm just not. I think I get so wrapped up in other stuff that a lot of times I don't realize how I'm acting or what I'm doing, and I can easily be doing more "harm" than good. It's not an excuse for doing stupid things, I think it just means that I need to take a step back and be constantly aware of what I'm saying and doing, or not doing.

Ultimately I make things harder for myself too. Well I think so. Cause like for this, I'm trying to better myself or whatever but can look back and see that I did the opposite. And the fact that I can't see it all the time to stop myself, or that people think I'm too delicate to handle what they think of me or what I do, really gets to me. And, please don't get frightened or upset, it legitimately makes me feel like the world would be better off without me. Again, not a suicide threat or anything, just a feeling floating around me.

I want to take care of people. I want them to be ok and happy and I want to help them achieve that good state of being. I'm in the mode where I feel like there's so much more wrong with me than right with me and it's weird.

And unpleasant.

One step forward and two steps back.

4

Fishbowl

I just read all of my previous blogs and have seen how much I've moved forward. Or tried. And now I feel like I don't have much to say

Except that I feel weird. I know I tell that to people a lot, and often it's different weirds. But now i just feel bad weird. I feel like I'm going back to where I was in November and December feeling-wise. I feel tense and worthless and, for the first time ever, uninterested. When I say that I mean in stuff I would normally be really enthusiastic about it. I want to go into the practice rooms with a piece of music and just go but then when I think about it I don't want to. That's never happened to me before. I'm afraid that I'm turning some kind of way because of not having a roommate. It might sound dumb and I honestly don't know what the change might be but I can feel it.

So over break my best friend and I had a very passionate discussion (I won't call it a dispute, cause I don't think it was) and he thinks we made some progress on me but I don't really think so. I may be wrong. He put it in really good words one time..."I think you just need to learn how to be alone, without being lonely".

So true.

I honestly think that's the biggest issue. Well and that I'm overly attached to one person.

I'm really really REALLY having an internal struggle with this issue because I don't know what to do with it. How to address it. And it affects other people and I don't particularly like that that happens.

Wrestling with myself legitimately makes me tired. And the fact that this is truly affecting my life really bothers me.

See, like now, I'm upset.

Short blog.

3

Men

Lately I've realized that most of the people I hang out with are guys and I've been learning a lot about their reactions and just how they function overall. All of it is intriguing to me because I grew up with one man in my family, and no nearby extended family to be surrounded by.

In this blog, I am not bashing men, nor am I putting women on a pedastal (because in all honesty, I don't like them, but that's another day). Just keep that in mind. And I'm not trying to be creepy.

Anyway, I've caught myself just watching and listening to them sometimes and I learn so much about the male "race". The main thing I saw was that when they are around each other just hanging out, they don't worry about anything. And that's of course being general, and not to say that they aren't worrying about something. But they can totally push their worrying aside when they're with their friends, as opposed to females who gossip and talk about who said what to who. And that, when you think about it, can lead to a lot of subconscious stress. Men do gossip. A lot actually. But they let it go and don't drag it around with them all the time. Which I think allows them a certain kind of freedom that women don't take for themselves.

I have also noticed that they never talk about their feelings with each other unless it's "Dude, I was so pissed off" or something along those lines. I know men tend to be less emotional than women, but what's the purpose of that? Is it because it's not "manly" or because if they do talk about it they become vulnerable? Interestingly enough, they're not as hesitant to talk about their emotions with females. I don't know if that's a tactic to earn trust or just to humor them, but if guys are, in fact, being genuine, then aren't they showing the same vulnerability. A lot of times people will talk about how girls dress to impress girls, not guys; I'm wondering, is this the same kind of situation where guys feel the need to seem more masculine in front of other guys and not so much in front of girls? I know that the majority of my guy friends are actually really sensitive and I guess I just wonder why they hide that.

Another random and little thing that they do is to almost never apologize to each other. It's funny because I see that they'll apologize to me sometimes and just be like "Aww I'm sorry" even if I'm not upset about something, but they don't do it amongst each other. I guess that's just part of letting things go right? Not related to this mannerism, I think all guys secretly (or not) want to be the "alpha male". Which might be true for both genders-that they want to be powerful in terms of gender.

Whatever, I know I'll continue paying attention to how they sit, walk, speak, stand, react, and everything else. I think by learning how men act, I can better relate to them, or at least understand why they do what they do sometimes, and I'll be less likely to be pissed at something they did. I feel confident in this method, because right now, I feel clueless.

Kbye.