Sunday, December 20, 2009

Heart Drops

I'm writing again. I dunno why, I just feel the need, especially seeing how I'm trying to get better and just talking can help me with my emotions usually.

I feel like I'm actually worn out. Like physically tired from being upset so much. It kinda sucks, not gonna lie. You know, I realized through talking to Cathie that I legitimately argue with my mind. Let's take when people say that I'm not a disappointment and they're proud of me. I can, or want to be able to, take that compliment, but my mind won't let me. So I wrestle with it all the time. Cathie says that some people are just not on the same page as their brain all the time. Awesome, so now I'm a freak. I mean I always knew I was weird, but this all is the cherry on top. And now Mom is babying me, even more than usual. It's nice that she cares so much, but at the same time I worry because she's worrying. It's obvious too, and I hate it.

So it looks as though therapy will be starting next semester.

I don't think I like that.

Not that I don't want to feel better because I really, really do. And I hate that other people have to deal with this nonsense of anxiety too.

One thing that Cathie had talked about to me was group therapy or discussion. But then she kind of took it back because she thinks if I were to go to the anxiety group that listening to all of their problems would just worry me more.

I think she's right.

Ups and downs have been intense lately. Not like bipolar intense, but still kind of extreme. Especially due to school, but I refuse to talk about that right now. Being away from my second family sucks. I love having my parents and sister and cats and comforts of home, but at the same time it's still a change. And when you're at home you have to explain everything to everyone. Where you're going, why you do this, why you do that, why you made this decision, why your room isn't clean, why can't you get along...w/e.

And the panic attacks. Wow, lately they have been out of control. Half the time I don't notice that I'm breathing hard until it's been like 5 minutes and I start to numb up. Definitely did not use to happen. At least not frequently. Now it can be more than twice a day. I don't know what triggers it, I think it's just when I feel overwhelmed or upset that I try to focusing on breathing correctly but then it's like a malfunction.

I miss singing. A lot.

Back to the mess that is my brain.
I don't even know how I feel about talking to people about it. Is it weird that I'm actually kind of ashamed of it? I feel like there really shouldn't be reason to be, but I am. And I don't want people to be like "oh, it's just something she's doing for attention". I'm not sure why I'm even worried about it, because I don't really care that much what other people have to say about me.

Or "It".

Or whatever.

I don't even really want to talk to a therapist about it. Part of it is because I can't scrape my thoughts together in such a way so that I can even explain them. But then it's also cause I feel weird talking to people I don't really know that well. Ok, yeah he or she is a licensed pro, but so what. There are some things I don't want to share with you. Like the fact that I'll randomly break into a panic attack for no reason sometimes. Or that I just stop hearing and seeing a feeling for a moment when my body feels the need to suddenly reboot. I'm not comfortable with that.

It's more icing on the cake that while I'm home I can't even see anyone because everyone is snowed in. And there's other things to legitimately be panicking about. But of course I'm too preoccupied with the things that I shouldn't even be worried about.

I'm exhausted.

Scale-wise a 4ish I think.

I wish evrything would go away for a little while. So I could just sit in nothing for awhile. But that won't happen so I'll just be here in limbo for a little while.

1 comment:

Your turn. Speak.