2009

To be completely honest, I'm not really excited about the New Year. I mean, I'm always excited for the future and what it might bring, but New Year's Eve just doesn't seem fun this year. Just like every other holiday.

It sucks. :(

I want this to be a time of reflection or new committments or something, but really, I feel as though I do that almost every day. Through blogging, or talking to my friends or family, or just reflecting by myself. Yeah, the coming of the new year makes me look back and appreciate and analyze and contemplate what has changed in my life. I've realized so much about myself and come so far in the past year as far as maturing and setting my path. I've gotten close[r] to people who have changed my life dramatically, and dropped people who brought me down. I have been disappointed, scared, anxious (ha), excited, and at some of my lowest lows and highest highs ever. I was able to learn from myself and others in ways I had never expected.


I guess this night is more about reflection, rather than setting goals all of a sudden that kick in at the stroke of midnight. My goal is to make this year better than last year and use all I've learned to do so.



Happy New Year.

Silence

I really DESPERATELY miss singing.

That is all.

3

Holding Back

A lot of times I look at myself and question why I express my emotions in a certain way, or why I express them at all. I mean, I think emotions are good things to have, but does that mean you should always convey them?

As a person who shows emotion almost always, I can say it's exhausting, but sometimes feels like a release. I've never kept feelings suppressed, because I've always seen doing so as being a negative thing. But is it really?

I'm apprehensive to discuss this because I've only ever really been on one side of the argument. I mean, of course there are some things that you keep to yourself, but that happens to everyone. So let's begin with the pros of communicating emotion and cons of keeping it held inside. Expressing emotion is one of the only ways to let people know how to act around us. For example, people know what pisses me off and what makes me smile because I've shown reactions to things in the past. Thus, they are able to be sensitive and make the communicate between us better and more comfortable. Another good thing about opening up is the release of energy. Cooping all of that emotion can be exhausting and by being expressive, you may not get rid of the emotion, but you'll probably drain a lot of the build-up behind it. It's emotionally healthy and can really be very theraputic. By not allowing yourself to insinuate how you're feeling, you can also put a barrier beween yourself and others much more easily. Generally we can tell when one of our friends is feeling some kind of way about something, but if they refuse to talk about it, you may wonder what else they don't talk to you about. And that's what friends are there for, to help you through things, to celebrate with you, and to just be there if you need them.

So what about the cons of opening up? Like I said, I've rarely been on this side of the spectrum, but I'm trying to keep my mind open and examine all senarios. I guess one of the main things is that you become more vulnerable. Or at least feel like you do. Because by expressing emotion, you allow other people to see how you're feeling which could then allow them to take advantage of the situation. And if you're ashamed or embarrassed of your feelings, that's a given. I feel like that happens a lot with guys, because happy or light emotions can give the illusion of being carefree, and often guys feel the need to be stable and resiliant to any kind of "weak" feeling. I think the last main one here is the fact that emotions can be really personal...too personal to share. I know I've experience this one before. So I understand this one the most. There are some things that people just don't need to know. And if they find out then they have to know the entire story, otherwise some kind of judgment will be passed. Which will then require you to justify everything even if you aren't entirely sure why you did some specific action.

I guess I'll stay with expressing my emotions to people but, hey, the other side doesn't really look all that bad. Maybe it's something to take into consideration on some occasions...

Mushy Mush

Be prepared for a one sided discussion fully on my relationship. If it makes you gag, just don't read. Awesome!

Alright. So this guy is the best friend I've ever had in life.  And I've never been lucky enough before to have my boyfriend be my best friend because they've always been on different aspects. But like, we were talking about it and we realized that we've basically been dating for the entire time we've known each other. Not romantically, obviously, but we've seen each other at our worst and our best and all the in between. The most we argue about is how much we're perfect together and how much we mean to each other. I undoubtedly loved him before we were together, although not in that way of course. But it made it even easier for me to love him "like that" after. It's interesting to me how few things have changed since we've been together. I know many people agree with me when I call him amazing, but it's on a whole different level now because I can truly see us together in 50 years. And that's the weirdest thing. The concept of a long term relationship with him is so easily visible. And I can't wait for it.

He affects pretty much everything I do and everything I feel, so that I've opened my mind to a lot more things. And I've never been more confident in a relationship than I am in ours. He's my stability and I know he always will be. Our friendship always comes first.

The best and most stereotypical thing ever is that even now I still have butterflies.

I love him.

The end.

Oreos and Zebra Stripes

Alright so this blog is actually slightly more bloggy than my other ones I think. To your right you can see a picture. That's me with my sister. Biological, non-adopted sisters.

I'm not always sure who to identify with. As a biracial person I mean. Because I've grown up in White society, but at the same time, I identify with my Black roots much more, and have thrown myself into situations with minority groups.

For example, there's this one program that I did throughout high school called MSEA (Math Science and Engineering Academy) for the Cooperative Developmental Energy Program at Fort Valley State University. Located in Peach County, Georgia, Fort Valley is an HBCU and I was surrounded, not only by Black people, but southern Black people. If you haven't looked at the difference, check it out. Like, Black people in DC are completely different than those from Atlanta and Macon and Warner Robins. Alright, nonetheless, I think it was at this time when I immersed myself much more in Black culture.

Up until that point I could relate with White culture exponentially more than I could with Black culture. I mean, come on, I live in Northern Virginia where the percentage of Black population is at about 11% I think. Then we moved to Carson City, Nevada where the Black population was even smaller at 1.8%. I moved to Carson City when I was 3 and stayed there til I was 8 or 9. Ultimately I think living there affected me so that I was almost completely oblivious to any racial differences. I'm trying to remember a single black person in any of my classes in elementary school and I can't do it. Interesting.

Anyhow. Throughout high school, like I said, I became more "in touch" with Black culture and realized that I actually could relate to it more than I knew. And I'm considered a minority because you can tell I'm not White solely just by looking at me. I know I identify with minorities and have all of the same things to go through, but I just don't truly fit in anywhere.

Even in my family, everyone looks one way or another and I'm just the misfit. My sister looks White. No question about it. My dad is Black and my mom is White. And even my cousins (their mom is White and their dad is Hawaiian) look Hawaiian. Yeah I'm gonna be stereotypical and say I feel like I don't fit in.

I check the box "Other" when there is no "Biracial" or "Multiracial". I don't feel like I can only check the box that is labeled "Black" or "African American" or whatever. I've done it before when it doesn't even have an "Other" on it, but I feel like White society has made me so much of what I am.

I'm clearly confused.

And when people started asking if I'm Hispanic I was like "Wait...what?" I've never gotten that before going to Penn State. I mean, maybe people thought it, but they sure didn't ask me about it. So that makes everything feel more complicated.

Confusion sparks thought so maybe I'll get somewhere with this today.

3 From 1

So I've been hanging out with some of my high school friends for the past few days, as I always do when we come back from break. And I love them, but I hate to admit that, yeah, I was annoyed with them. Not all of them.

But OK, when you say you don't flirt but CLEARLY do (as in clearly. like I can barely tell the difference, but it is blatantly obvious here) and you wonder why this guy wants to hang out just the two of you, come on.

I was irked at the extreme craving for attention. And weirded out because I don't really remember that as much from high school. That thirst for attention was just too much. I know everyone does that once in awhile...where you'll play dumb or pretend to be modest, or react in a certain over-the-top way to get attention for some reason or another...but always?

And then I was frustrated at myself for being irked.

You know what is really weird, that I noticed right away when I got to Penn State? At school a lot of my friends and I are curvy and normal size and whatever, but at home, I've always been the biggest one. I know I'm not a big person. But every single one of my friends (and I legitimately cannot think of a single friend that this doesn't apply to) from HS are barbie dolls.

No, not even...Barbie is imperfect compared to the girls from home.

Of course this makes me insecure because I'm the odd one out. I know I'm not like huge or fat or anything, but I'm definitely chubby in comparison. I wish I wasn't insecure, because I honestly don't care that much about what other people think. I think it may be more because it makes me feel like I'm not normal. Not that normal can be defined really, or is always good for that matter, but normal in health standards is something right?

I shouldn't compare myself to these "perfect" people who are members of the Donald Trump Country Club and drive hand-me down Lexuses, Mercedes-Benzes, BMWs, or Hummers. I'm not saying that I don't have a comfortable life. Because I have a extremely comfortable life. I think it's like, if you're not wealthy in Loudoun County, then you're ghetto or poor or whatever.

Are you freaking kidding me?

On this website (http://www.muninetguide.com/states/virginia/Loudoun.php) I found the average income in LoCo (yeah it's stupid, whatever.)

$148,329.

The AVERAGE.

Seriously? And some people are calling other people poor?!?

Wait a second, I didn't realize that Upper-Middle or Middle Class was considered poor, my bad. I know someone who only makes $100,000 a year, and they must be poor.

And the stupid perfect kids within the neighborhoods are so spoiled and ridiculous. Yeah, I realize I'm one of them, but at least I also realize that this is out of control. And coming home to all of this, I feel so out of place. I don't even know why necessarily. I just feel like I don't relate to my peers.

Wow, so I moved from people seeking attention to perfect people to a random caste system that has been put into place by the society in this little bubble in which I live. I guess I got three main things out of a single moment that bothered me. It's cool, rants are healthy.

I have so much more to say about each of these topics but I'll just put those on the back burner for now.

lajalksdjfaliwuejrkamsdofialwkeram.

5

The End

Heart Drops

I'm writing again. I dunno why, I just feel the need, especially seeing how I'm trying to get better and just talking can help me with my emotions usually.

I feel like I'm actually worn out. Like physically tired from being upset so much. It kinda sucks, not gonna lie. You know, I realized through talking to Cathie that I legitimately argue with my mind. Let's take when people say that I'm not a disappointment and they're proud of me. I can, or want to be able to, take that compliment, but my mind won't let me. So I wrestle with it all the time. Cathie says that some people are just not on the same page as their brain all the time. Awesome, so now I'm a freak. I mean I always knew I was weird, but this all is the cherry on top. And now Mom is babying me, even more than usual. It's nice that she cares so much, but at the same time I worry because she's worrying. It's obvious too, and I hate it.

So it looks as though therapy will be starting next semester.

I don't think I like that.

Not that I don't want to feel better because I really, really do. And I hate that other people have to deal with this nonsense of anxiety too.

One thing that Cathie had talked about to me was group therapy or discussion. But then she kind of took it back because she thinks if I were to go to the anxiety group that listening to all of their problems would just worry me more.

I think she's right.

Ups and downs have been intense lately. Not like bipolar intense, but still kind of extreme. Especially due to school, but I refuse to talk about that right now. Being away from my second family sucks. I love having my parents and sister and cats and comforts of home, but at the same time it's still a change. And when you're at home you have to explain everything to everyone. Where you're going, why you do this, why you do that, why you made this decision, why your room isn't clean, why can't you get along...w/e.

And the panic attacks. Wow, lately they have been out of control. Half the time I don't notice that I'm breathing hard until it's been like 5 minutes and I start to numb up. Definitely did not use to happen. At least not frequently. Now it can be more than twice a day. I don't know what triggers it, I think it's just when I feel overwhelmed or upset that I try to focusing on breathing correctly but then it's like a malfunction.

I miss singing. A lot.

Back to the mess that is my brain.
I don't even know how I feel about talking to people about it. Is it weird that I'm actually kind of ashamed of it? I feel like there really shouldn't be reason to be, but I am. And I don't want people to be like "oh, it's just something she's doing for attention". I'm not sure why I'm even worried about it, because I don't really care that much what other people have to say about me.

Or "It".

Or whatever.

I don't even really want to talk to a therapist about it. Part of it is because I can't scrape my thoughts together in such a way so that I can even explain them. But then it's also cause I feel weird talking to people I don't really know that well. Ok, yeah he or she is a licensed pro, but so what. There are some things I don't want to share with you. Like the fact that I'll randomly break into a panic attack for no reason sometimes. Or that I just stop hearing and seeing a feeling for a moment when my body feels the need to suddenly reboot. I'm not comfortable with that.

It's more icing on the cake that while I'm home I can't even see anyone because everyone is snowed in. And there's other things to legitimately be panicking about. But of course I'm too preoccupied with the things that I shouldn't even be worried about.

::Sigh::
I'm exhausted.

Scale-wise a 4ish I think.

I wish evrything would go away for a little while. So I could just sit in nothing for awhile. But that won't happen so I'll just be here in limbo for a little while.

The Girliest Rant Ever

I feel the need to blog about this one. Or rant about it. Like I said before, if you don't like how I "blog", then don't read.

So friendships are crucial. In all of life. I don't understand how people can get through any part of life without having friends. Goodness. I wish people understood the value of it, too. Because I know a lot of people just take friends for granted. Which sucks like no other. Really stop and think about it. How important are these people to you. If the answer is that they really aren't that significant, then, I'm sorry to say, they're probably not really your friend. The friend vs. aquaintence battle is a tough one, especially when you meet so many people in a certain period of time. One of the main things with friendship is that it's give and take, which teaches you a lot about yourself and other people in general. I have a lot of friends that I know I can go to if I need something, but there are definitely those that I'm closest with and go to for EVERYTHING. I think that's why it's so hard for me to be ok with Tay and Kacie leaving. They are two of the best friends I've ever had and I won't have them automatically next semester. I know they're there for me if I need anything and I know if I was in a life and death situation that I could count on them, but it's a change. And a comfort thing.

Did you ever notice that people have their own scents? And friends have comfort scents. But now they're gone.

Okay that was me digressing. Back to relationships.

Once again, I must say lucky for me, I have my very best friend with me still. So that relationship is really interesting. I don't even know why I try to explain it to other people, but I do. As much as people called for us to start dating, I really, really doubted it. This semester we just got sooooo close. And it was strictly as friends. I could tell him every single aspect of my life and we were as tight as two people could be without dating. And even closer than some couples are, hence why everyone thought we were together when we weren't. But anyway, when we decided to be together things didn't really even change that much. He's still my best friend, and now my boyfriend, and I've never been this close to anyone in my whole life. Past relationships were like best friends on one side and boyfriend on the other side. But how lucky are you if you and your best friend are actually compatible "like that"? Cause I feel sooooo fortunate to have my best friend be my significant other. It's absolutely amazing. It helps that we were extremely close before any of this happened too. Psh, he knows me for me. Me without makeup, me PMSing, me sad or upset or pissed, me sick, whatever. And he takes me as I am. It's crazy.

Can I just say why boys are awesome? Well first of all they are usually much more attractive than girls. Like with the muscles and man dents and more emotional strength and nice backs and hands and man-wash smell. Okay, don't make fun of me, I'm just explaining, as a girl, why boys make me happy. Well one specific boy, but you know what I mean. And I'm not shallow, really. I think personality can drastically affect how I see a person. If someone is cute but a huge jerk, it makes them extremely unattractive. If someone isn't cute, but has a wonderful personality, it makes them much more attractive than they were before I really met them. Lucky for my boy he's cute and has a good personality...no worries there. And they usually let things go. As a girl sometimes I struggle with it, so compared to the female persona of "whyyyy?" it's just like "ok". End of story. And as much as they might play with you, they generally aren't as sneaky and bitchy as girls are. But sometime you want them to just open up to you and they suppress feelings and that gets frustrating.

...

Alright this is really about to happen...frustrating aspects of coed relationships whether they be friendships or more than friendships (and no babe, none if this is specifically directed towards you). I don't know what it is about most guys, but they really don't have to act tough all the time. Show some sensitivity and emotion sometimes!! And, depending on the girl, show some protectiveness. Or at least remind them that you can take care of them if the need arises. And don't be that one boy who is like "oh she's hot let's see if I can be one more person on her list". If you have morals it's way more appealing. I must admit, the "bad boy" aspect is pretty good, but not if they're like reckless with it and stealing from people or ending up in real trouble somehow. Not cute. And do cute things sometimes. Is it really so hard to do? Why do they tend to leave decisions, both big and small, up to the girls? Part of it is girls want to please them so it makes it a thousand times harder. And they say "I don't care". No!! Care!! Raaaah!!

Basically I'm telling you that boys are better than girls. Yes perhaps some little things are frustrating but overall, the pros out-weigh the cons.

This was the worst blog ever, but a satisfying rant nonetheless.

Take it or leave it.

Milky Way

It's official.





I'm bodied.





The last three days of being with two of my best friends. It hit me tonight that I am losing these people. Okay, losing may be too intense of a word, but it feels that way. I'm never living with the world's best roommate again because she's moving off campus next year after living in Cincinnati and then Erie. And Tay...the first person I met at school...gone for the entire YEAR.





I don't know how many of you people know this, but I'm bad at change. Like, REALLY bad. It makes me physically sick to contemplate.





Ah. Contemplation. Contemplation to me automatically makes me think of space and the universe and stuff. Life and emotions and significance and everything. The universe is so infinite and vast and questionable. I mean, have you LOOKED up there?





It's really quite phenomenal.





The stars and the milky way and the planets and the Moon. I don't even know what it does, but it definitely pulls my heart in all diferent directions. I feel so humbled and so tiny and insignificant when I look up at the sky. It sounds bad, but I don't mean it in a bad way. I just mean the universe is so huge and amazing that it's hard to comprehend it. And trying to find my place in it all is just more confusing.





So that's it. I guess the moral of this is that I feel insignificant. Okay, horrible conclusion, it's just that, through everything, it's hard to find your meaning in something so endless.





Yeah.





Happy Holidays.

PS- Can I just throw it out there that I'm still on some kind of high from being in a relationship with my best friend. It blows my mind that I actually have the best thing that ever happened to me.





PPS- Can we keep in mind that this blog is more for my own thing than for other people. So chill with the comments about me having no structure or whatever. I'm aware. If it bothers you so much that you feel the need to say something, don't read it. That is all.





KBye

Life Isn't About Endings, Is It? It's a Series of Moments.

It's really cold. Can I just put that out there? Really really cold.

I really didn't like talking to Cathie today. Cathie is the psychologist I've been seeing at CAPS. She's a nice person, but today was just bad. She was asking me about happiness and why do I feel worthless etc. I dont know. I just know I'm happier here than I am at home. I love seeing and being with my family, but my family here is constant. I'm around people 24/7. That is such a weak rant about today. I mean, of course it was deeper and more intense than that, but idk. Whatever Cathie.

I know today I'll be upset. A week from today I'm leaving two of my best friends. And I hadn't really thought about it til now but it's bad. Like, potentially crying bad. Hopefully not, it's really not that big of a deal, but as we all know im awful with change. And this is a huge change. Kacie's stuff for moving out has been arriving, and it sucks.

Lucky for me I have another best friend. Well I guess for Kendal's sake, I must specify it by saying "I have another best friend...who's really my more than friend now." This makes me happier than I have been for awhile. I don't really know how to explain it, but I've just never been this close to anyone in my entire life. And now for my best friend to also be my "significant other" (or whatver termonology you'd prefer to use), it's just like the best aspects of my life all combined. So yeah, I'm on this weird kind of high this week. Don't laugh at me.

Now it's time for physics and soc. Sooooo, updates later.

Over My Head

So canning.

Canning sucked. I mean, not like people or whatever, but we didn't make that much money and it was a miserable day. Sooo lesson learned I guess. I'm just frustrateed that people keep flaking. Like, after they commit. I dunno why that bothers me sooo much but it does. Especially with all the work that goes into something as seemingly simple as canning.

Ugh I'm so exhausted. In the past 4 nights I've slept for 12 hours. As in total. And then I get into that frustrated "why can't I sleep? I'm sooo tired!" mode. Which I'm in now. Good thing for bro. Oh goodness, I love him so much and it's annoying that I don't know to express it. Whatever.

Freaking psychologist gave me a stupid "homework" packet. Forreal. I'm sorry lady, but there are some things I just cannot tell you. Don't give me this bullshit assignment.
Alright, sorry, she knows what shes doing, but it irks me. I hate that something is obviously wrong with me. And when people start talking about medication...that will put me over the edge sometimes. I get upset over that. Maybe it's dumb, maybe it's not, but it happens.

I clearly just don't get a lot of stuff thats happening.

yeah.

Distance

So one of the things that "they" feel the need to ask about is my social life. Dude, my social life is freaking fine!

Well I think so.

I hope so.

People are such a huge part of my life, and I can't imagine functioning without them. Ever. Especially the ones close to me. I wish I could explain it all.
I feel like this whole thing lets me rant, but I never really get anything out of my system. Which is fine, whatever...I just kind of wish it would.

Anyway, back to people.

People are great. And awful. Mostly great. And I'm sick of answering people when they ask me the social life question. But whatever. I just know how much the people who are close to me mean to me and truly that's all I really care about.

Wow, what a slow blog, huh? Whatever. There's always space to talk about nothing.

Ohh I was watching Planet Earth last night and it is really the coolest thing ever. Besides all the eating each other thing. But the animals are so amazing and the places are just breathtaking. Literally, thinking about all of the beautiful things in the world just sometimes makes everything seem worth it. I think that's also why I listend to my classical music so much and like epic scenery and tender moments and all that emo stuff. Blah.

Family Guy has stolen my attention so I'll talk more about nothing later.

♥

When Will I Begin To Live Again?

Alright, I don't even care. I feel like talking. I don't know about what but I'm just going to let my fingers type whatever they want and we'll see what we come up with.

So. I don't even know me. Not really at least. Like I'm trying to pry myself open and have more self-discovery, but so far it's not even really working. Whatever, maybe it just needs more time. I'm freaking sick of being emotional. Like really, it's pissing me off. Which just makes me even more emotional. And I hate that other people are being dragged along in the meantime. That actually hurts me. And it hurts me whenever other people hurt. Like, even bad people. I'd give my life for anyone. Which a lot of people look at as some kind of insane idea, but really, I don't see it as that. Of course, giving my life for someone I love holds a lot higher meaning and sentimental value than for someone I don't even know, but whatever. I feel like I cause stress and hurt to people. I hate it. But screw it, it shouldn't be all about what I feel. And maybe that's my problem. I try to take into consideration what other people are feeling and thinking but maybe I just suck at it.

My mind feels full. I don't know what it's full of but I know it's scary and cluttered and when I try to step back and look at everything, my heart physically beats faster and my head hurts. And I scare myself all the time. It isn't good...I know it isn't. It's so weird to contemplate death. As much as I'm afraid of it, I feel like it's a release from everything bad. And that makes me afraid that I think like that sometimes, although I feel like most people do. I'm not contemplating suicide or anything, relax...I'm just thinking of death itself. Sometimes I just want to give up, because I feel like I don't contribute to the world. Whatever, you may argue against that, but it's really how I feel. The world is so small and insignificant, and I'm even less significant. One out of several billion people is nothing. That's a speck of dirt in the mud. I hate admitting to this, but I feel worthless. A lot of the time. I know people aren't going to be reading this really, which is why I'm ok with putting that out there.

I'm frustrated now. Gah. Let's change topicssss...

Can I talk about my big brother please?
So, I met this boy last summer, as in a year and almost 6 months ago. I met him and we were cool, but not really that tight. Summer turned to fall and the actual semester started and our relationship really began to grow. But it wasn't until this year that we got as close as we are now. We've come to the conclusion that we can't even explain our relationship to other people because there truly is nothing like it. I mean, we argue over how much we like each other. It's really weird actually, and kind of hilarious. I know that he undoubtedly evokes more emotion out of me than anyone else I know. He frustrates me but I love him more than anything. He's the best friend I've ever had in my whole life's existence and he's an amazing person. Clearly I'm trying to justify how much my brother means to me, but, as I specified, there's no real way to do that sooo....yeah.

Speaking of friends...

Two of my best friends are going on co-op next semester. One is my roommate of 1.5 years and the other is the first person I met at school. I've had them by my side since the very beginning and they are both such incredible people. I'm thrilled for them, really, but at the same time I don't want them to leave. I'm terrified of having a new roommate after I got so spoiled with the one that's leaving. And trust me, I won't find another girl like the one I met my first day in State College.

This typing nonsense just made me so much more tense and frustrated. Which I don't think is the purpose but whatever, I'll live.

4.5

Uno

Just testing this out. Used to have a livejournal and sometimes it made me feel better. We'll see how this one goes. :-\



I hate that I don't like being away from school. I wish I was better at taking advantage of the time I have with my family while I still live with them. They are the best people ever. I don't even know how to explain how great they are.



And my brother. Unbiological of course, but literally it seems like we are blood related. I love him so much I don't even know how to explain it to people, but whatever, if they don't get it, sucks for them. I miss him a lot. And I've been gone from him for less than a week. How pathetic of me.



I even miss Penn State. For such a short time (a week long break) it's crazy that I can miss somewhere with so much stress and work so greatly. But it's the people too of course.



What a dumb first blog. Oh well, what do I care...I've gotten over caring what other people think about me. Updates to come.

Btw, this is Giraffey -->>