Epiphany

I was reading through my blog and noticed how depressing and selfish and whiny it comes across. Yuck!  I guess part of that is just how I write, but I could probably also be a little better about that.

Just a recap of life since the last time I blogged:


This semester was beast for me.  My first semester where my GPA was above a 3.0, and I felt good about it.  Not phenomenal, cause I always want to do better, but very satisfied (in a good way) with how it went. Hopefully it's up from here and I'm looking forward to next semester.


Christmas Eve with my family was nice, even with the drama that happens.  My family just got back from visiting with my mom's family in Seattle which was exhausting.  I don't think I know one person on that side of the family who is not depressed (except for some of the kids my age [aka second cousins]).  So that was hard.  My aunt is in rehab for alcoholism and we visited with her twice. It was nice to see her, but way overwhelming to be there...we had to go to a 2 hour class on Tuesday in order to visit with her for half an hour so we did that and the session was about Enabling.


There's also immediately family drama with my sister's depression and social struggles and that's really taking a toll on my family.  I hate that I'm not here to be supportive or helpful or whatever during most of the year (even though I know I probably shouldn't feel guilty about that) and even if I'm included while I'm away, it's only a little bit.  There's definitely a huge weight on my parents' and sister's shoulders.

Avery is coming to visit this weekend and then a few more days until it's back to school. ::sigh:: This break went by pretty quickly.

I'm not sure what this blog is about.  I watched "The Switch" today...or is it called "The Swap"...? Anyway, it's a movie with Jennifer Aniston and she hasn't found a boo, but she really wants a kid and so she gets a sperm donor.  Her [man] best friend gets drunk at her "I'm getting pregnant!" Party and is pretty much denying to himself that he's in love with her even though they dated once upon a time (surprise!).  So he switches out the donor's "ingredient" for his own and seven years pass and he meets the kid blah blah blah.  Of course it ends up with a happy ending [she got with the donor midway through the movie but the kid hated him and the man friend didn't tell her that he switched or swapped until the end of the movie where she was in love with him too (surprise!) and the his kid loved him and everyone was great].

I always feel like I'm rushing the family thing.  Not the marriage thing, but the kids thing.  I really want a baby, but I know I need to finish school and get a job and have a plan if I want what's best for my kid(s).  But when I see movies like this or (some) families in the airport, they look so happy and I want that happiness.  Maybe this is me feeling ready to really "leave the nest" finally and feel responsible.  But that's where it's a little fuzzy, I want to have a family but I don't know if some of that want comes from lack of happiness or just truly being what I want.  Hmmmm...that's not what I mean (but I left it in there so I wouldn't say it again)...I'm trying to figure out how to explain it.  I don't want my wanting a family to be because of my maternal instincts or because you're "supposed" to have a family and it's getting towards that time, I want to want a family because it will make me happy and it's the right thing for me.

Just thinking about this now makes me question why I'm questioning it in the first place.  A family will make me happy someday (hopefully sometime within the next 8-10ish years) and I know that's what I'm meant to do...bring a person, or people, into the world and let them contribute to the world and love and feel and think.

Wow, that emotion just now was so sure.  I love it! I know that was God taking over.  I hate to say it, but sometimes I question Him (not His existence) and things that the Bible says.  Not because I don't believe that there is a God, but because I just don't understand everything that goes along with Him.  Anyway, aside from all of that, my point is that I have a strong feeling that that is one of my main purposes in life...to be a spouse and mother.  Also, this is not meant to freak you out babe if you read this...I'm looking a few years into the future.


This is an exciting epiphany! Thank you, "thinking time", for helping me come to this!

I actually feel really good thinking about this right now.

Defeated

You know how I always talk about how weird I feel?  It's one of those times.

I know it's a bad weird.

My stomach is churning, my heart is racing, and I feel nervous and sad and anxious for no reason.  Crying without a reason is a pretty rare occasion for me but that's what tonight is looking towards. The more I try to understand why I'm feeling how I feel, the more sad I get.  It's like a battle I can't win and my heart is physically hurting again. 

For some reason I my brain keeps shouting the idea at me that I'm sinking into everything...blending into my surroundings.  I'm not sure if I even really understand what that means.  Maybe that I want to feel invisible?  Or maybe that I don't want to be?  I don't know if that's it.

Why is it that at this very instant I feel the most insignificant and defeated as I've ever felt?  There's nothing that even sparked this.  Everything was cool...today was not too hectic, but now...

Now I feel afraid.  Mostly of myself.  That's one of the most bizarre feelings...being afraid of oneself.  But I am...I feel like if I was standing on a bridge right now I would legitimately jump.  Without much hesitation.  I'm afraid because I don't know what snapped.  Something obvoiusly sparked whatever I'm feeling right now.  I'm scared because I can't express what's happening or what I'm thinking.  Inside my head is mostly blurry with a few clear things screaming at me.  It's so sick.

I don't want to be in this world right now.  I want to float somewhere where it doesn't matter if I'm there or not.  Where I don't have to breathe or eat or be awake or aware.  Where tiny pieces of pain are simply reminders that I still exist in some way.  I don't know why I want pain to tell me I exist.

I don't know what I want specifically.  I want to feel normal but I don't know how that's achieved.

I am frustrated and sad and defeated.

Defeated defeated defeated.

A Mother

I had this dream last night.

I was a little older, in my mid-30s probably.  I couldn't see myself because I was looking through my eyes, but I saw my hubby and he was in no means old, but definitely oldER than where we're at now.  Anyway, he was the coach of some kind of team, or leading an event, or doing an activity with a class he was teaching.  I was sitting along one of the edges of a room and some older kids (either high school or college) were doing an activity with him in the middle of the room.  For some reason, I remember the color blue because I think they were all wearing bright blue robes or jerseys or whatever.

So I was sitting and watching and enjoying myself and all of a sudden three girls (aged about 9,12, and 17) walked in.  They were fairly light-skinned... about my complexion or a little darker, and they had beautiful hair and all three of them were absolutely gorgeous.  Still looking through my own eyes and still sitting down, each of them came over and hugged me and I asked them how their day was. I was their momma!!

I asked my second child if she had homework and she said a little bit and I asked her what she had to do.  She seemed hesitant to tell me but I pressed her a little and was like "it's ok, just tell me what project you've got".  She told me and I was like "I'll help you with it later if you want!" and smiled.  And she hugged me.

It was the BEST feeling ever...I wish I could explain it.  It was so realistic even though I knew it was a dream.  I was so happy and proud of my girls. The funny thing is that I don't even want girls...I want boys.  But obviously I'll be happy with whatever I end up having.

Anyhow, the activity was over and we got into our very nice car.  Ave was in the front and our oldest was shotgun.  I was in the back with the two little ones, and for some reason we went to a toy store.

That's all I really remember, but I just know that I was so happy.  And thinking about it now makes me happy.

Wow.

Ramble

I've been pretty self aware in the last week or two.  And most of it is realizing that I just need to back off on some stuff and let people do what they need (or want) to do.  I know that I need to remember that other people don't necessarily see things or think the way I do and that that's ok.  So, yeah trying to work on that...bear with me while I better myself.

I was also thinking about where I was at this time last year.  I was feeling a lot worse, that's for sure.  I know I'm still not where I want to be with all of this stuff but in comparison, I'm happy with things.  There's still a lot of anxiety, mostly about people I care about, but I don't feel as lost or down or sad for no reason.  Let's hope it stays that way.

I actually really miss my family.  They've visited once this semester, but I miss being at home with them more than I ever have.  Of course when I'm actually there, I miss my family here at school, but I know I can't have both all the time.

I'm becoming pretty aware of how old my grandparents really are. My maternal grandmother just turned 89 a few weeks ago, and while she's still going pretty well for her age, she's definitely slowing down and starting to become the bitter old woman stereotype.  My mom, dad, sister and I are going to see my paternal grandmother for Thanksgiving and my maternal grandparents during Christmas so I'll get a chance to see them again.  One thing I really want for my kids down the road is for them to be able to be with family as much as possible.  I never get the chance to see my cousins.  My dad's family lives in Colorado, and my mom's in Washington so my sister and I have never gotten that sense of family togetherness...at least with our extended family.  It always feels like we're the outsiders.

It's ok though, I love all of them anyway.

This post has been extremely random so far, and I thought I'd end on another random note.  Well I guess it's kind of going off what I was talking about before with how I'm feeling.  I'm still unhappy with how I look.  I've been trying to be open this year but all I seem to do is compare myself with other people.  And I know half the time it's unrealistic (like in a Victoria's Secret commercial).  I want to achieve the goal of being happy with my looks while I'm still young!  One thing that really bothers me though is the fact that I compare myself to other people.  I always like to think that people are beautiful how they are, but for some reason, I just can't take that into consideration myself.  It's not so much about what other people think, but the fact that I'M not happy with myself just kind of sucks.  And I'm not even sure about what exactly I'd change since I see so much wrong with everything.

A meaningless ramble I think, but I haven't blogged in awhile and I wanted to spill what I thought I had stuffed inside.

Shot

So I had this dream.



I don't remember how it started, but I know I was at some kind of family event in Nebraska.  It was weird though cause in the first part I do remember, there was no one around me. I was on the shore of a lake or large creek with a lot of trees around me and grass. I'm pretty sure the next part of the dream consisted of me talking to some people and mingling in a picnic area or something...

...


...then I was back at the shore.  Then my family was with me and we were kind of spread out in a square shape.  A blonde girl came and started talking to me. I don't remember what she was wearing or if it was a good conversation or not...I think I didn't like her, but I definitely wasn't afraid of her.

The next thing I know, she pulls out a gun and shoots my dad, then my mom. I remember being behind my sister. She shot my sister then tried to shoot me, grazing Kerstin's right shoulder in the process. Then she shot me in the left side of my abdomen. Then she ran.

I was wearing a dress with a white top part and a black skirt part. I remember falling and looking down seeing blood on the white fabric and feeling the pain. I remember for the rest of the dream the white part of my dress was all ripped up for some reason.

Anyway, I wasn't dead. I just felt it and kept looking down and still know exactly how it looked. Where it was darker red and where it was lighter. I remember at some point that I was looking at myself from above and saw myself sprawled out on the grass.

I don't remember much else of the dream except that I asked my mom why she did that and she said something along the lines of "Cause you're black". I've never had any blatantly discriminating behavior directed towards me so that was interesting to me.

Ugh, I feel sick now just thinking about it. My heart is racing. It felt real...I woke up and legitimately thought I had a been shot. The first thing I did when I woke up was feel my stomach and look at it.  I'm a paranoid person to begin with...always thinking people are out to snatch me or whatever, but this made it more intense.


I am afraid.

Every Now and then I Feel a Little Bit Terrified

I'm going to let the fingers just take over and let them connect to my brain.



I want to leave here. I feel as though I've matured past my friends at home in certain ways.  People here are so terribly concerned with what other people think and it really irritates me. I may be giving myself way too much credit, but I've learned so much about letting other people handle themselves since I've been to school. Something as little as not making a facebook event private and getting a comment about it brought me to this awareness of the "shallow" thinking that happens sometimes. Let people take control over their business.  If they're offended because of a public facebook event, then they may have some deeper things to sort out. (Yes, I realize this was a side rant)


My family is "fractured". Well that's what my dad says. It sounds more serious than I want it to though.  We're going to therapy this coming week sometime. They say we should go at least once while I'm home. I just hope it doesn't make things worse. I'm always the big sister. I've never been able to go to my older sister for advice or anything and as little of a thing as it may be, it bothers me. I love her and I want to help her succeed, literally in any way that I can. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to take care of her when we get to be older and I really want to be engulfed in my life.  Is that bad? I feel like I'm just floating through life right now, and not in a good way.


I guess overall I've just been feeling so overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts and desperation to fix things. When I feel like this it brings back memories of high school when hurting myself was the best relief I could get. What started as self-punishment turned into something that reminded me of mortality and physical feeling. It may sound over the top but I still understand why I did it. I just want to get out of here so bad. I want to be around people who don't judge me and won't get their feelings hurt when I say what I'm thinking or just lay things out and am completely real with them. I want to leave.

She's Superwoman

I don't know what's happening to me.

I’m tired of feeling this way. I keep thinking “If only I had the body, I would have one less worry. One less massive worry…” My stomach is freaking huge. Today certainly wasn’t the first time I hated looking at myself, but things just seemed to pop more than they have in the past. Thunder thighs, huge pores, the neck pouch, the waist, even the boobs. Ugh.

I want to be pretty. Hot. Sexy. Whatever. I want my boyfriend to be able to mean it when he compliments me and not have to tiptoe around my ridiculously sensitive feelings. I want to be a good role model for those younger than myself. How am I supposed to do that with the way I see myself?

I think I used to pretend that I was more okay with myself. That's the main thing I think. I want to be able to see myself as pretty. Or at least somewhat satisfying to look at. I'm sick of pretending that I like myself. And this is just physically...we won't even get started on my personality.

I was happy that I lost weight, but I didn't look any different. I'd like to pretend that I have an hourglass figure, but I don't. Sure, ultimately this argument could go to "well who's to say what's pretty?" and my response without diving too much in depth is that I want to be attractive. Males are attracted to females in certain physical ways, they way they walk, their complexion (also an "ew" on me), their physique.

All my friends are perfect. Flat stomachs, proportioned bodies, perky boobs, long legs, nice butts, pretty faces...and my boo. He's gorgeous too even if he does try and contradict me. I'm the outsider looking in at near perfection. I would settle for less.


I just want to like myself.





Fuck.

Moon River

Ok, so lately I've been unintentionally watching things that make me really excited and anxious for the future. It's turning overwhelming though actually. Like, I'll turn on the the TV and see Knocked Up or My Fair Wedding with David Tutera. I mean obviously it's not just those, but it's seeing people living what I'm expecting to live in the next ten years, maybe less.

I'm not trying to freak anyone out by this, it's really all of my anxiety for what I want out of life. Within the next decade I mean. I mean, my mom got married when she was 22 years old. 2. 2.  That's like, tomorrow! Ahhhh! I'm just in the mode where there is so much more to life than calculus and computer sciences and physics. I want to be at the point where I'm stable and I can plan my wedding. I want to plan the flowers, the venue, the guest list, the dress, the cake...everything. Even though I'm excited for planning it (haha) I'm even more excited to spend the rest of my life with someone. I'm not trying to rush it, I'll just be excited when it gets here...so I don't want it to be forever. Ugh I don't know if I'm making myself clear but whatever.

You know what else I'm excited for? Babies. That one I feel like I'm not as anxious for. I like being young, ready to have adventures whenever. I want to be able to travel and have fun with my husband and newly established life. I want to entertain friends with dinner parties and go out for lunch dates and be able to buy my friends nice things. But anyway...


I don't know. I feel oddly immersed in this world of non-academic life.  I'm almost ready to start this life and find my niche with family and friends behind me. It may sound cheesy, but 100% honest.

What do you think? Do you think it's too early to be thinking about stuff like this, or do you think it's good/healthy to be thinking about this? Do you ever think about it? Bah humbug.

Keep Holding On

This unit of Astro has made me feel ridiculously insignificant. And it makes me feel like I shouldn't worry as much.

But then it all goes away and I fall back to the reality of everything. I want to keep that feeling.

One thing I've been finding out about myself is that I really want to feel wanted. Not really in an "I need attention" sort of way. Just having the feeling that maybe someone will miss me when I don't see them.

I'm not seeing Cathie anymore...she says she thinks I've progressed and I just kind of went along with it and said "yeah". My disposition has been noticeably better than last semester, but I don't know that I actually feel better. Maybe I've been better at hiding it. I know I'm still not happy. And I know that's not ok. I'm clearly stressed. I can't really tell when it gets to that critical point until [forgive me if you get grossed out at this stuff] my period gets mad delayed and out of wack. Which it is. Fail.

I envy people who have the guts to do what they truly truly love.


I don't know how I'm feeling about leaving in two weeks. I'm excited to be done with classes but I don't want to go "home". I want to start real life. Except for not because I don't want to lose people.

Blah...I feel weird right now. It's not a good weird or a neutral weird, it's kind of a bad weird. And I can't put my finger on what it is that's causing it. Eh.

4.

Gloomy Sunday

I have so many things to say but I really don't know where to start.

I skipped my meeting with Cathie this morning. I just didn't want to talk to her. My mind is pretty cloudy and I wasn't feeling the hour-long Q&A about life when I don't even know what to say. I'm still kind of at that point, so this is probably mostly for my own benefit.

I think I'm just really furstrated with myself. I don't want to make other peoples' lives more difficult than they need to be and I feel like that's what I'm doing. And I honestly think I've felt that way even before I got here, but it's heightened. I'm a "people-pleaser" and I'm not always successful in doing so, but lately I though I was doing good as far as accepting that. But now, thinking about it more, I'm just not. I think I get so wrapped up in other stuff that a lot of times I don't realize how I'm acting or what I'm doing, and I can easily be doing more "harm" than good. It's not an excuse for doing stupid things, I think it just means that I need to take a step back and be constantly aware of what I'm saying and doing, or not doing.

Ultimately I make things harder for myself too. Well I think so. Cause like for this, I'm trying to better myself or whatever but can look back and see that I did the opposite. And the fact that I can't see it all the time to stop myself, or that people think I'm too delicate to handle what they think of me or what I do, really gets to me. And, please don't get frightened or upset, it legitimately makes me feel like the world would be better off without me. Again, not a suicide threat or anything, just a feeling floating around me.

I want to take care of people. I want them to be ok and happy and I want to help them achieve that good state of being. I'm in the mode where I feel like there's so much more wrong with me than right with me and it's weird.

And unpleasant.

One step forward and two steps back.

4

Fishbowl

I just read all of my previous blogs and have seen how much I've moved forward. Or tried. And now I feel like I don't have much to say

Except that I feel weird. I know I tell that to people a lot, and often it's different weirds. But now i just feel bad weird. I feel like I'm going back to where I was in November and December feeling-wise. I feel tense and worthless and, for the first time ever, uninterested. When I say that I mean in stuff I would normally be really enthusiastic about it. I want to go into the practice rooms with a piece of music and just go but then when I think about it I don't want to. That's never happened to me before. I'm afraid that I'm turning some kind of way because of not having a roommate. It might sound dumb and I honestly don't know what the change might be but I can feel it.

So over break my best friend and I had a very passionate discussion (I won't call it a dispute, cause I don't think it was) and he thinks we made some progress on me but I don't really think so. I may be wrong. He put it in really good words one time..."I think you just need to learn how to be alone, without being lonely".

So true.

I honestly think that's the biggest issue. Well and that I'm overly attached to one person.

I'm really really REALLY having an internal struggle with this issue because I don't know what to do with it. How to address it. And it affects other people and I don't particularly like that that happens.

Wrestling with myself legitimately makes me tired. And the fact that this is truly affecting my life really bothers me.

See, like now, I'm upset.

Short blog.

3

Men

Lately I've realized that most of the people I hang out with are guys and I've been learning a lot about their reactions and just how they function overall. All of it is intriguing to me because I grew up with one man in my family, and no nearby extended family to be surrounded by.

In this blog, I am not bashing men, nor am I putting women on a pedastal (because in all honesty, I don't like them, but that's another day). Just keep that in mind. And I'm not trying to be creepy.

Anyway, I've caught myself just watching and listening to them sometimes and I learn so much about the male "race". The main thing I saw was that when they are around each other just hanging out, they don't worry about anything. And that's of course being general, and not to say that they aren't worrying about something. But they can totally push their worrying aside when they're with their friends, as opposed to females who gossip and talk about who said what to who. And that, when you think about it, can lead to a lot of subconscious stress. Men do gossip. A lot actually. But they let it go and don't drag it around with them all the time. Which I think allows them a certain kind of freedom that women don't take for themselves.

I have also noticed that they never talk about their feelings with each other unless it's "Dude, I was so pissed off" or something along those lines. I know men tend to be less emotional than women, but what's the purpose of that? Is it because it's not "manly" or because if they do talk about it they become vulnerable? Interestingly enough, they're not as hesitant to talk about their emotions with females. I don't know if that's a tactic to earn trust or just to humor them, but if guys are, in fact, being genuine, then aren't they showing the same vulnerability. A lot of times people will talk about how girls dress to impress girls, not guys; I'm wondering, is this the same kind of situation where guys feel the need to seem more masculine in front of other guys and not so much in front of girls? I know that the majority of my guy friends are actually really sensitive and I guess I just wonder why they hide that.

Another random and little thing that they do is to almost never apologize to each other. It's funny because I see that they'll apologize to me sometimes and just be like "Aww I'm sorry" even if I'm not upset about something, but they don't do it amongst each other. I guess that's just part of letting things go right? Not related to this mannerism, I think all guys secretly (or not) want to be the "alpha male". Which might be true for both genders-that they want to be powerful in terms of gender.

Whatever, I know I'll continue paying attention to how they sit, walk, speak, stand, react, and everything else. I think by learning how men act, I can better relate to them, or at least understand why they do what they do sometimes, and I'll be less likely to be pissed at something they did. I feel confident in this method, because right now, I feel clueless.

Kbye.

Separation

So a day or two ago when my best friend was out with his fellow sociology people, something hit me.



I felt the most alone I've ever felt.



More alone than over the summer, more alone than when I spent the weekend by myself when my roommate was away, literally more alone than ever. But not only did I feel alone, I was actually upset. I immediately got frustrated with myself for feeling like this when he was out being with people who he could have good discussions and a fun time with. He, out of everyone I know, is the most deserving of time away from me seeing as I spend as much time as I have outside of class with him.

Anyway, I realized how attached I get to people. Well, people and situations and schedules, etc. I was/am attached to my Pennypacker room, I'm overly attached to my car, I'm attached to Penn State, and I'm attached to him. Now, I think it's perfectly acceptable to be attached to things, but in a healthy way. The way I'm attached to some of this stuff is definitely not healthy. Crying over being away from school when my life is perfectly fine away from it is just too much. Being jealous or whatever that feeling was when my best friend/boyfriend finds a new group of people that he connects with and is away from me for slightly longer than usual is really not ok. So why did it upset me? My best guess of why is because I felt disconnected. And I don't know how to not feel this way. I don't know how to stop getting attached to things...even something as simple as my schedule for spring 09. The only option I feel like I have is just not connecting with people and participating in less activities. This will force me to not miss things as much when I'm away from them or be overbearing to others. But I don't want to lose those connections. I refuse to let them go. I find happiness in my structure and organizational patterns, and relationships with other people. So what now?

I don't even know how to work on this one.

Changing or Lack Thereof

I'm beginning to realize things about myself. I don't want it to sound bad like I'm trying to change myself, but I guess I am. Or, I'm trying to better myself. How's that?

I've been very self aware lately. Which isn't necessarily a good thing, because I want to perfect myself and that's not really possible. But I'm working on improving my academic habits, my whining, and my ignorance to the outside world.

Maybe you noticed that I didn't really put the anxiety thing in there.

I am working on it. Really. I just came to some kind of understanding of why it's hard for me to make changes with it. I think it's because I am not the one who takes initiative with it. Well, ok, that's not true, it's not really about taking initiative as much as it is actively exercising what I learn in there. But that's the whole issue. I'm hearing things that are obvious to me. Things that I already know I should be doing. And maybe I've tried them before. Ok, I'll try again, but still it bothers me that they give me "tasks" as if I have not already thought about doing that or actively pursued that activity.

But I digress. Not that I have much to say about bettering myself besides the fact that I'm attempting to do so. It's good I guess. I wish I could say that I was doing it for myself. In a way I am, I suppose, but a lot is for others. For example, the whining thing. I've always noticed I do it, and it's almost involuntary, but my point is that no one wants to be whiney. And no one wants a whiner.

Wow, you know what I just realized?

My thought proccess: bettering myself for other people >> doing things for other people >> doing things for me >> not doing things for me

I don't do anything for me. I'm not saying I don't take care of myself...I mean, sometimes I do. But I'm not participating in anything because I want to. I'm in NSBE, and, yeah, it's pretty much my baby, but I'm not singing or doing colorguard or being in a musical or anything else that I want to do. If I had it my way, I would be in all of those activities. Or at least one. But, oh darn, my engineering classes are in the way of the only time University Choir is offered. Sucks. I like engineering, don't get me wrong. I like math, usually, and I like physics when I can apply it, and of course I like doing projects and building and modeling. But I don't love it. I'm doing it for success, stability, and so I have options when I graduate.

But really, the fact that I don't love what I'm doing...it bothers me. And the fact that it was my decision that put me here. I could've gotten into the school of music with no problem. All County and All District Choir from 5th-12th grade, All State Choir for the only two years I was eligable, and voice lessons for 6 consecutive years. I was set. And I loved it...well, I still do. Now I feel like I'm regretting being where I am with engineering. I'm struggling to stay above the surface with a pathetic GPA of 2.39 and hating some of my classes. I've had several nights already this semester where I'm so frustrated with my homework that I cry over it because the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness gathers inside me. It shouldn't be like that. I only have one life and it should be spent doing what I love.

That makes sense, even to me.

It's all kind of twisted really.

Ah well, time to go back to what's real life.

Empty Room

Yesterday I walked into my dorm and was immediately hit with two overwhelming emotions.

The first was that I don't have a new roommate...yay!

I think?

I was happy that I didn't have to meet anyone new or have to get into the swing of things with everything in that circumstance. But I also didn't want to come home to an empty room.
But I did.

Hence my second emotion which was how much I missed my old roommate. I could not have asked for a better freshman experience and a huge part of that was due to randomly being paired with the best roommate anyone could ask for. She became one of my best friends and part of my PSU family.

I'm so glad to be back, especially since I'm with my best friend/hubby, but I feel bad when I have such a depressed attitude with everything. I'm not good with change. And that's what this entire semester (at least the beginning of it) is all about.

How unfortunate.

I guess it will make me stronger and all that....blah, blah, blah. But I feel like I'm emotionally unstable and that I can't deal with this. I legit just am in my room looking at my roommate's completely empty side and it physically hurts. Our room used to have so much more color and personality and now half of it is just empty.

Definitely more of a rant than anything, but its ok. Life will go on.

The end

Growing Up

The other day when I was at work with my mom, her boss (who I've known for years...we're not tight but she and her husband came to my graduation party, etc.) pulled out one of my senior pictures.

Holding the picture next to my face, she said to my mom, "Look at how her face has matured. Even though it hasn't been that long since this was taken, look at how much she's changed. She's beautiful."

Needless to say I felt really awkward and I'm sure my face turned a bright shade of red. Of course she meant it as a compliment and I hadn't really noticed the difference (and still can't truly see it) until she pointed it out.

I'm growing up.

Obviously I always have been, but some of the biggest changes of my life are happening around this time. in the next few years I'll be on my own. That transition process has already begun. And so far in this life altering transitions, I think I've done very well. But I've never been abe to cope with the fact that I have to grow up.

I still stand by what I've said for years...I don't want to grow up. There is nothing like being a kid and being carefree (although at the time your biggest worry was about who kissed who on the playground). It's not that I don't want to take responsibility for myself or I don't want to help the community or world. But I was happy when I was a kid. The world was mine. I had the chance to explore whatever I wanted to. I went through ballet, piano, voice, soccer, basketball, skiing, and other stuff. Now I'm kind of stuck. And this is supposed to be the best time of your life. I'm not saying I haven't had great experiences in my college career so far, but it's at the time where you're forced to choose a path.

I don't want to have to go through the mistakes of adolescence. I want to know what's best for me. Or not have to know what's best for me.

And I always want time to slow down. I remember wanting it to speed up when I was like, 8 years old. But even in high school I was terrified of the speedy movement of time. And I know that I'm going to blink and be graduating.

Blink. Marriage. Blink. Home owner. Blink. Children.

I'm still a child. OK, not a child maybe, but an adolescent definately. I don't think I can do it. I know my life will fall where it should but I really just want to go back to childhood. Growing up offers so many fantastic additions to life and I truly am looking forward to them but at the same time I just want everything to stop. I like being a teenager and I know I'm going to love my 20's. But...there's always the "but"...

I guess overall I'm just scared.

Time to take a deep breath and suck it up.